MYSTIC MONA: Haunted Love

I am a 31-year old woman whose boyfriend for the last seven months lost a girlfriend three years ago in a terrible car accident. They had planned to marry and have children.

After the accident, he was placed in a mental hospital for almost a year and still mourns the loss of her often. I am the first girl he has been with since this tragedy. Although he tells me he loves me, I have my doubts because I don't think he's over her. Am I wrong to doubt him? Does he really care about me the way he says he does or am I just setting myself up for an inevitable heartbreak? Please help me—I love him so much. I just can't take the pain of being heartbroken again. I'm jealous of a person that doesn't even exist anymore—is that crazy or what?

Dear New Love,

Please understand that it is not your responsibility to fix anyone. Unless he's willing to go to counseling with you to learn how to release this past relationship, then I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. This is a sweet, loving and very vulnerable man and you really are the first person he's let close to him since the accident.

All that you are asking me are the questions I would ask myself if I were in your shoes. He truly felt that the woman he lost was his one (and only) soul mate. He has yet to understand that we have many soul mates in our lifetime. Think of a giant puzzle where many pieces fit around one (OK, corner pieces usually have two that fit and one that touches). You are presented with several soul mates at the times in your life when you can most appreciate them. You two are like puzzle pieces together because the meaningful people in our life are no accident. Perhaps the two of you are together right now so you can help him open his heart again to the possibility of love.

You are supposed to have a great love yourself, and I would like to be able to tell you that it is the man you're with now. However, unless you're willing to help him cope with this loss and wait until he can forgive the past, I don't see the relationship abiding long-term. Even once he's more healed, he may not choose you as his life partner. I see that you've taken on more of the role of therapist than lover with him. That's the whole reason you've written to me, because you have a nagging feeling yourself that this relationship doesn't feel right. Trust your own intuition with him because you're right.

I hope this adds clarity to your situation and I'm sorry that it's probably not what you wanted me to tell you.

Call your mother!

I have a son who stopped calling me about a year ago. I would call him but I feel that conversations were superficial. Last week I e-mailed him and asked him what I did wrong. He told me that when he and his wife lived with us for three months, my husband (not his father) wasn't nice to him and I let it happen. In other words, I didn't stick up for my son and his wife. He wrote a lot of things and sounds so bitter.

I feel so sad, even sick to my stomach. I can't even respond to his accusations. Should I try to respond?

Dear Mom,

I understand that this is difficult for you in a lot of ways. Your son is someone who has always blamed other people for his situation in life and this is no exception. He should have told you what was going on at the time it happened. Instead, he let the situation fester until you approached him and then he used your reaching out as an excuse to dump all his negative emotions and shortcomings on you. You are not to blame for his choices in life and he is old enough to stick up for himself.

How do you remedy this? You write a letter to your son and his wife. Use these words: "I understand that your stay with us last year wasn't as comfortable as I thought. Allow me to apologize now for what happened between all of us. I miss you both and hope we can all be big enough to get past this. I was not aware until last week that the interactions with (insert your husband's name here) and you two were so upsetting. I am truly sorry. Love, (you)."

Don't acknowledge or address the nasty things he said to you in the e-mail. Deliberately ignore that he brought them up. I see that things will be better by October as long as you don't buy into your son's tendency toward drama. Be nicer to yourself—you really are a terrific mom.

Mystic Mona is a licensed professional in the psychic arts through the city of Las Vegas. Her live, local radio show, "Psychic View," airs 10 a.m. Saturdays on Hot Talk 1140-AM. You may e-mail your questions for consideration to [email protected].