Certain names are associated with certain decades. F. Scott Fitzgerald is tied to the 1920s like gin is tied to martinis. Al Capone is linked to the 1930s like gin is tied to bathtubs. And Franklin Delano Roosevelt goes hand in hand with the 1940s like gin is tied to whaling on Hitler and Tojo until they wet their pants. Likewise, when it comes to the '80s and '90s, only two names spring to mind: Vanilla Ice and Pauly Shore. But which performer, and ergo which decade, truly rules? Read on and find out!
SHORE: His father, Sammy Shore, opened for fat Elvis in the ‘70s.
ICE: Elvis' favorite banana shakes can't be made without vanilla ice cream. And they're fattening.
Edge: Dad working with a drug-addicted washout is more impressive than having a name like a foofy drink. MTV poster boy wins this one.
SHORE: Sex-crazed LA nerd in Encino Man, Son in Law, In the Army Now, Jury Duty, Bio-Dome.
ICE: Reprised Kevin Bacon's Footloose role in Cool As Ice
Edge: Pauly played himself; Ice tried to play a cool rebel. Ice wins, baby.
SHORE: "I'm not a geek, I'm a unique weasel."
ICE: "Drop that zero and get with the hero!"
Only one quote became a Sally Jessie Raphael catch-phrase. Gimme another scoop of Vanilla!
SHORE: The talking mirror in Capser Meets Wendy
ICE: "Ninja Rap" from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
As much as this pains us to say, theatrical release beats straight-to-video.
SHORE: "Oh, and by the way, f**k those faggot critics anyway."
ICE: "You critics who wasn't with it / Mad cause I flipped it back on ya / Blowin' up the spot like Kazinsky on safety / Blaze another track cause I simply hot to trot"
Referencing a crazed bomber and dissin your detractors in the same song? Sheer poetry worthy of Byron!
SHORE: Still gets gigs at his mom's comedy club
ICE: Came out looking sane ... compared to Ron Jeremy, Trishelle Canatella and Traci Bingham
Give the man props; Rob Van Winkle is smart enough to know he needs to reinvent himself
SHORE: Card-carrying member of frequent Vivid Video club: The 12th porn star is free!
ICE: Good thing he's a dedicated husband, because vanilla isn't the most exciting flavor out there.
Edge: Pauly Shore. We know, we can't explain it, either.
WINNER: He knocked M.C. Hammer off the charts, and he's buried Pauly Shore, making the world safe for ... Rob Schneider. Lord help us all, Vanilla Ice trounces the little, odd man from Hollywood.