Their names are as varied as their straws are long: boat drinks, umbrella drinks, tiki drinks. But one thing is clear; no matter the nomenclature, you'll wake with a splitting sugar-induced headache. However, there are times in life when what is called for, even demanded, is a honkin' big bowl of alcohol adorned with paper umbrellas, plastic animals and fruit wedges. Lots and lots of fruit wedges.
The Amazonian
Carnival World Buffet, Rio, $14.95
As big as a rain forest, and quite possibly the same color, if National Geographic specials are to be trusted, this bright green cocktail has a sweet, syrupy flavor. The glass is included in the price, and can double as an aboveground spa at home. I got about halfway through mine before I found myself playing with its accompanying plastic blue dolphin which I had named Flipster, making him bound through the emerald waves. My wife was not amused.
Fruit salad score
Maraschino cherry, pineapple wedge, umbrella, dolphin = 4
Bahama Mama
Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, $6.95
The smallest of the bunch, but also the cheapest—and it comes with a green, plastic palm-tree cocktail spear! For five bucks more, you get to take the glass home. It's very fruity, with the juices and grenadine coming through the alcohol, and reminiscent of pulpy grapefruit. The warm orange-red color recalled sunsets off Jamaica, yet another exotic locale I've never visited.
Fruit salad score
Maraschino cherry, orange wedge, palm tree = 2
Big Kahuna
Kahunaville, T.I., $17.75
Kahunaville is a fiendishly loud party and it needs a fiendishly large drink. This came in a giant Kahunaville glass and the admiring stares of a bevy of young women. It's murky green color wasn't as unearthly bright as the Amazonian, but the tastes were remarkably similar. I'm sure if my bartender hadn't forgotten the dry ice and pink flamingo cocktail spear, those admiring stares would not have changed to giggles.
Fruit salad score
Five maraschino cherries, two large orange wedges = 3
Warp Core Breach
Quark's, Hilton, $25
This was judged by all present to be the coolest of umbrella drinks, and not because of all the dry ice smoking over the fish bowl's rim. Well, OK, the metal rings keeping the bowl upright are neat too, but that dry ice rocks! I mean, this thing is full of it! That's so cool! The 64-ounce whistle-wetter is dark red and has a faint raspberry flavor. The exact recipe is a closely guarded secret, not related until you've mastered the Super Secret Special Trekkie Handshake.
Fruit salad score
First contact has yet to be made with Planet Maraschino = 0
Scorpion
Peppermill Lounge, $13.50
Arguably Las Vegas' hippest lounge, the Peppermill also has the coldest giant alcoholic milk shake of any bar in town. It's bright pink in color, which, as those in the know will tell you, actually goes perfectly with the rest of the decor. It's not too sweet and not too fruity, going down with a pleasant tang. Plus, it has the longest straws of any drink surveyed, and you ladies out there know what that means!
Fruit salad score
Multiple maraschinos, orange round, pineapple wedge, umbrella, two Peppermill cocktail spears = Off the scale
Scorpion Bowl
V Bar, Venetian, $25; another $25 to take the glass home
Vegas' only tiki bar lives up to its weighty responsibility with an umbrella drink that will make you the hit of the evening—and kill any wayward moths. Served in a low bowl, a raised dimple holds Bacardi 151 that is then lit afire. Bartender Tara Reich warned us it's bad luck to blow out the flame, but thankfully it doesn't hinder our drinking. Its color was like the inside of a mango, and it had a light, fruity taste ... until we stirred it, mixing the float of Myers' and 151 in the middle with the rest of the booze ocean. This scorpion found its sting.
Fruit salad score
Lime and lemon wedges = 3
Shadow Dancer
Shadow Lounge, Caesars, $32
The least-likely watering hole (OK, tastefully done nudie bar) to have an umbrella drink comes through with a powerful concoction. Its bright pink color contrasts perfectly with the orange-hued screens hiding the dancers and the dark rum was evident in every sip, though the bartender Rocko admitted he had poured more than usual. Overall, it was just how I like my exotic dancers: sweet and strong, in a bowl with some lime wedges.
Fruit salad score
Lime wedges = 1