I hope you don't think me too forward, but in this economy the early bird gets the worm. So, in anticipation of a sudden vacancy, I am writing to offer myself as a temp worker to fill in as Secretary of Defense. While writing about entertainment in Las Vegas may not seem like the perfect background for this position, I am sure it will prove as useful as, say, time spent in the Ford Administration.
The advantages of hiring a temp are manifold, not least of which is that I will not need to be confirmed by the Senate. See, doesn't that put a smile on your face? It goes without saying that as a temp——unlike the rest of your freeloading employees——I get no taxpayer-funded benefits and no unearned pay on those numerous federal holidays that the civil-service unions clog the calendar with. As I understand it, I can work up to nine months as a temp without ever really being employed by you! Nine months, and I'm gone like a youthful indiscretion. Anyway, nine months from now, you may not even need a Secretary of Defense anymore! Just kidding, of course. :)
Or I can work as an independent contractor like the good folks at Haliburton, and we can really bring the strength of the free market to bear on this war. I've studied this issue extensively in the topless bars of Las Vegas (keep expecting to bump into your predecessor), where the strippers are independent contractors. If there's one thing you learn a lot about in strip clubs, Mr. President, it's shock and awe, plus the need for decisive action and flanking maneuvers. (And, by the way, Sir, there are no more patriotic Americans than the strippers of Las Vegas, and you might suggest to the twins that they consider a summer job here as a great way to experience the spirit of entrepreneurship that built this country.)
In Iraq, instead of force, what we really need is to pacify the locals by entertaining them. Perhaps send the recently unemployed Friends over there to make sitcoms. The insurgents can amuse themselves by making David Schwimmer dance. Or will that be seen as outsourcing? Sorry, I am confused about that one, but as a fellow middling student, Mr, President, I am sure you understand my confusion once things get complicated. Fortunately, as I was saying, the war in Iraq is simple. Let's get some good reality TV going, like Who Wants to Be a Grand Ayatollah? or Baathist Elimidate. The Iraqi people will soon be too busy voting to resist our occupation. And, I might add, what better way to teach them about the importance of their vote in the new Iraq?
Anyway, I know I don't have a great nickname like Rummy, but I do believe the nation's headline writers will embrace "Abbie." It will be a different war with me in charge, but I guarantee one thing to you: Under my watch there will be no Iraqi detainee abused unless he forgets his safe word.
Please let me know when you'd like to meet for an interview.
Sincerely,
