Nice to know that regardless of presidential elections and similar cosmic storms that buffet our lives, the universe banks on certain constants—yo, Astromat and Mystic Mona, back us up on this—and Dan Rather is one of them.
"George Bush," declared the stone-faced Texan, "swept through that state like a big wheel through a Delta cottontail." Elsewhere, however, Rather reminded us that Bush was engaged in "a ding-dong battle" against Sen. John Kerry in a race "that is crackling like a hickory fire," Bush's lead "as thin as November ice."
Ah, Dan, you're still hotter than a pistol-packin' loon shouting, "What is the frequency, Kenneth?"
Your believability, integrity and credibility may have been questioned, yessiree bob, but never your watchability, you twinkle-tongued cowpoke, you. Hell, only one other Texan might be more heralded for his vivacious vocabulary, and that would be ... George Bush. Your immense entertainment value was the clearest call anyone could make about Tuesday's contradictory election coverage.
But one question, Big Dan-O: DO YOU WANT A JOB AT FOX?
CBS' itchy trigger finger on the ol' call-it button certainly makes us wonder. Just don't shoot a resumé down Atlanta way, where the Cautionistas of CNN frown upon state-callin' yahoos, and bravely, stubbornly proved it in the coverage's most admirable reportorial turnaround.
On a Decision '04 Election Night in which the mass of networks, cable and local affiliates were cowed into uncharacteristic prudence by Debacle '00—discovering that this time around, Florida is spelled O-H-I-O, and hanging chads are soooo yesterday (Provisional ballots! Provisional ballots!)—CBS and CNN manned the extreme ends of TV's coverage, defining the media sideshows to the main event.
At least this time around, the networks didn't wrongly declare a new president. Give 'em that, at least. In fact, as the night wore on into endless morning—and before Kerry's delayed concession Wednesday morning—it was the media and the sitting president, via surrogate Andy Card, bickering over the results.
Yet, as bold as they were most of the night, when Ohio's 20 electoral votes crystallized as the disputed prize du election, even Rather's CBS wisely played duck and cover. Joining the Eye Guys were CNN and calm, cool and cooler-still Peter Jennings on ABC (quietly the Best Damn News Anchor, Period)—while NBC/MSNBC, perched majestically at its "Democracy Plaza" (otherwise known as 30-Rock) stuck by its Bushie guns. But Tom Brokaw & Co. lagged behind the Associated Press and even tortoise-like CNN in calling Nevada for Bush, which, coupled with the White House insistence and Peacock prediction that Ohio was a Republican done deal, would have made the prez the prez again.
Counting a state in dispute, but not a state that's settled, NBC's call of 269 electoral votes for Bush just made it appear foolish, its state total a product of, to borrow a Bushism from 2000, "fuzzy math."
"We're not the final arbiter, we do not certify presidents of the United States," said an apologetic, about-to-retire Brokaw, who must be saddened to depart presidential election coverage on such a muddled note.
But it was that kind of night, the ghosts of 2000 haunting every red and blue blip on their NASA-level tote boards. A "flip-flopper," if you'll excuse the expression, in which a chastened media looked to redeem itself in Decision '04, or at least avoid a repeat of Debacle '00, only to wind up mired in Indecision '04.
(Congrats once again to Jon Stewart and his satirical Daily Show, whose special, taped the night before, was again titled "Indecision," again getting it exactly right. "It's a fake newsman's nightmare," he moaned to guest Chris Wallace. "Do you know how difficult it is to write three different endings for a show?" Not so easy, it turns out, for real newsmen, either.)
Following the Fumble in Florida, ABC, NBC, MSNBC and even Fox News Channel (if you didn't look too closely) played their vote counts fairly conservatively (no ideological suggestion intended). But CBS shot past its competitors early on, racking up red/blue states on the map like Minnesota Fats sinking stripes and solids. Meanwhile CNN, led by Wolf "We Just Can't Call It Yet" Blitzer and Jeff Greenfield's politics-on-wry, just didn't see the riveting drama in joining other competitors to immediately call Ohio for Bush, rocketing Dubya to within one itsy-bitsy electoral vote of re-election.
Go figger.
Doggedly determined to flesh out its claim as the world's most trusted news source (meaning they're not—wink-wink—"fair and balanced"), CNN was clearly the network most embarrassed and affected by Debacle '00, purposely trailing competitors in assigning electoral votes to Kerry and Bush, and bravo to them. Unlike NBC and Fox—who gave up counting when Nevada's votes came in because it would have embarrassingly put their Bush count at 274, handing him an election no one was prepared to declare over, and echoing the premature proclamations of Debacle '00—at least CNN's math added up when they didn't box themselves in with an early Ohio call for Bush. When our five votes were figured in, CNN's Bush total reasonably stood at 254, with Ohio's disputed 20 votes standing off to the side, waiting for the news to decide the numbers. Very cool.
Examine, for example, the tally comparisons at midnight on the East Coast, 9 p.m. out here, with 270 the magic number: CBS: 246 for Bush, 200 for Kerry; ABC: 237 and 188; Fox: 210 and 144; NBC & MSNBC: 207 and 206; CNN: 197, 188.
Bush News Cha ... make that FOX News Channel ... not topping the Bush-vote pack? Credit reasonably measured and mellow anchor Brit Hume and the FNC crew for maintaining a patina of nonpartisanship. But hold the phone, Joan: Do the math and discover that Fox, while not awarding Bush the most electoral votes at that hour, assigned Kerry the least, giving Bush the largest lead (by 66 electoral votes, versus ABC's 49, CBS' 46, CNN's nine and NBC's one). And by the wee hours, Fox had joined NBC/MSNBC in holding steady for Bush at 269, with Ohio in his win column.
Think Fox's stubbornness was just as journalistically motivated as NBC's?
Think not.
"Provisional ballots" was the evening's/early morning's most hammered-home news hook, but rare was the merciful anchor who bothered to explain what a "provisional ballot" is: (It's a ballot for anyone not listed on voter rolls, or whose eligibility is otherwise questionable. The ballots are put aside and counted after the election.)
Beyond his innate ability to amuse, credit Rather for a strong anchor job in an uncomfortable light, post-60 Minutes-gate. Whether you sensed that he was determined to prove he hadn't fallen prey to journalistic timidity after the National Guard story snafu, or was simply reclaiming some semblance of professional objectivity by calling states for Bush (and Kerry) before his competitors (until Ohio brought everything to a screeching halt), Rather was impressive. Hell, even he was impressed, welcoming viewers back after a commercial, including those who "might have been watching other places with not as good information as us." What a cocky kid, that Danny. Even after he's been roasted more than a T-bone at a Dallas Cowboys' tailgate party. (How'am I doin', Dan?)
Here are some other shticks and stones from the initial blush of election coverage:
• KVBC threw local coverage to its Channel 3 First Response Team/Decision 2004 Correspondents.
Bullshit. You're reporters. OK?
• Larry King was on the scene at the CNN news desk. Shouldn't he be out polling Bill Maher?
• Last election's Voter News Service consortium that the nets shared for vote tallies was junked, replaced by Edison Media Research and Mitofsky International to handle exit polling. But fairly early, anchors like MSNBC's Chris Mathews were dissing the info as misleading. Could it be that voters who said they were voting Kerry were just too—GASP—embarrassed to tell pollsters they actually gave it up for Bush?
• MSNBC called two gubernatorial races with zero percent of precincts reporting. Math doesn't get simpler than that.
• Best network reality check from CBS' Bob Schieffer: "All that's been called are the slam dunks. We're no closer than we were hours ago."
• Best observation by a politico that most political interviews are bullshit: On KVBC, after Republican Sen. John Ensign claimed Bush would win Nevada, Democratic ex-guv Bob Miller quipped: "I disagree. What a surprise."
• Best way to deflate an inflated reporter: Responding to a KTNV interviewer breathlessly declaring, "This is the first chance you've had to breathe since you got up this morning!," Registrar of Voters Larry Lomax shrugged and said, "Well, OK. I guess you could say that."
• Best use of spare time: KLAS going to Jon Ralston beating up on Bob Beers, with Dina Titus looking on. That's our man, Jon.
• CBS' galloping donkey and trotting elephant graphics in the corner of the screen would make a cool Game Boy.
• Best poison-tipped punch line: After Rather congratulated Sen. John McCain on his apparent re-election, the Arizonan quipped: "Thank you, Dan. You know I always believe you."
• Best Dan Rather comeback to Sen. John McCain: "If you believe that, folks, you believe rocks can grow."
• In Rather-speak, a computer glitch is "a hitch in our giddyup." Thank you once more, Danny boy.
• Best MSNBC graphic abbreviation of a for/against ballot question without any explanation: "Teen pregnancy."
• Pick your humbled anchor disclaimer: "We do not have enough information to make a call and that means nothing is obvious." (Jennings); "We learned our lesson, and we'd rather be last than be wrong" (Rather); "We're proceeding with confidence, but with tremendous care." (Matthews); "One senses we won't hear a concession speech anytime soon, nor should we." (Hume); "In 2000, we called Florida for Gore at 10 to 8, Eastern time. It's burned into my memory." (Greenfield)
• Best poker face: CNN's James Carville, noting: "It's time to acknowledge the president has a superior hand ... Sen. Kerry needs to draw to an inside straight."
• Best giveaway of a reporter's political leanings: MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell, looking nakedly glum when Ohio seemed headed toward Bush country.
• Best diss of your own network: Wolf Blitzer, cautioning his panelists on calling a state too early, declares, "Let's not get carried away. The Crossfire guys can get carried away, but we can't."
• KLAS used its Las Vegas One partnership to its advantage, running local coverage on Cox Cable Channels 1 and 19, while Rather did his network boogie on Channel 8.
• Andy Card may have declared victory for Bush, but it was Toby on Bravo's West Wing rerun marathon who nailed it when, on behalf of the too-good-to-be-true President Bartlet, he told a terrified staffer: "If I see one victory balloon before this thing is called ... YEAH, YOU BETER RUN."