Among the many joys of the season—noticeable increases in goodwill toward men; your sole chance to say "flock" in polite company; people cheerfully noting how Christmas begins earlier each doggone year—is the rash of gimmicky holiday drinks. Every latte shack worth its beans has a pumpkin-something chalked onto the menu, and Starbucks' caramel apple cider is as much a part of our season as Santa's lap. Now comes Pepsi with its own holiday concoction, Pepsi Spice, which begs the question: What the flock? On your tongue, a curious cinnimon tartness rolls hard against the drink's sugary sweetness, creating a taste-swirl that was no doubt a hit with the lab rats, but requires a bit of getting used to for humans. But, hey, it's a holiday drink, so we'll have another!
I am Woman, Hear Me Roar
Only 16.7 percent of women in Nevada completed college; the national figure is 22.8 percent. Nevada women's voter registration turnout ranks 48th. Nevada has the fourth highest homicide rate for men killing women;nearly 60 percent came after some sort of domestic dispute. We wish we had a clever, encouraging sentence to finish this item with.
Gannett's rainbow-colored flagship recently ranked Las Vegas among the nation's best shopping cities. New York topped the list with 41 percent; Las Vegas was second at 15 percent and San Francisco third at 14 percent.
With non-gaming revenue outstripping gaming win (a lot of that is due to shopping), it's only a matter of time—hear that, husbands and boyfriends and significant others?—a matter of time before Sin City tops the shop-til-you-drop meter.
What happens at the Yucca Mountain Federal Nuclear Waste Disposal and Encasement Facility stays at the Yucca Mountain Federal Nuclear Waste Disposal and Encasement Facility.
Also from the Onion:
... "If you've heard that Nevada Sen. Harry Reid used the clout of his position as minority whip to make hundreds of millions in the 2005 Yucca Mountain budget disappear—why, I wouldn't know. I've been too busy watching the beautiful birds circling our little mountain here. You really do have to see them yourself to understand."
... "Sometimes it's wise not to let the left manipulator arm know what the right manipulator arm is doing, if you follow. Those guys in the fancy suits who fly out from Washington are always looking to score big and bust the place on a technicality of the Safe Drinking Water Act."
... "With exposure to the legal limit of 15 millerem of radiation per year, the risk of developing a fatal form of cancer is 3 in 10,000—ask me, those are pretty good odds."
Weekly staffer Stacy J. Willis volunteered to be a guinea pig: "An average of 300 blazing hot days each year gives Las Vegas area residents ... BODY ODOR." So says the press release accompanying a pack of green pills called Body Mints, which promise to dramatically reduce "underarm odors, bad breath and stinky feet smells" all in one pill. Never mind that there have been few blazing hot days lately and that this Weekly staffer has the flu and can't smell anything—I probably do indeed smell. So it's time for experimentation: A) the chlorophyll pill is very green, makes your hands green, tongue green. B) Goes down nicely at night with Alka-Seltzer cold medicine and a handful of assorted other pharmaceutical treasures. In the morning, another green pill with coffee. Mmm, mmm, chlorophyll. Results: I feel pretty, oh, so pretty! Nothing makes you feel fresher than sitting down and sniffing your own toes and armpits to see if they smell good. And wow! I can honestly say ... I can't tell. No matter, the important thing is, as the press material points out: "Celebs can't get enough!"