LETTERS

Hey there,

Just writing to tell you guys [although you no doubt already know by the landslide of responses I'm guessing you've already received] how much your "people suck" [that's what I nicknamed it] article ['Worst Customers," March 24, 2005] rocked. I book hotel rooms at Mandalay and good Lord, I thought locals were pea-brains, but can we say this whole frigging COUNTRY is wacked?

They ask if that $499 rate applies to "everyone"—and we agents can't say "No sir, we're f--king with you. See, we have caller ID, knew it was YOU calling, and thought we'd jack the rate up just for YOU since you're taking your family here under the guise of wanting to show your kids our wave pool when in reality your ass didn't wanna go to the Ozarks or Poconos again, and you wanted to see some of that bronzed 19-year-old tourist ass they keep replaying on the Travel Channel."

We'd like to tell the guy the wave pool wasn't built for his 3-month-old baby, it was built for the casino whales, but hey, when you hit dead air cuz they dropped the phone and weren't expecting a high rate on a Wednesday ["I'm sorry, what's a convention in town have to do with occupancy being high and that affecting the rate, can you repeat that?"] you just refer their ass to Circus Circus.

Some personal favorites:

• Us: "I'm sorry, only guests of Mandalay Bay are able to use the pool. No, we don't have day passes. To be honest ma'am, we have over 4,000 rooms and suites, so if each person has a friend come, well, it'd be overcrowded. You're staying at the Luxor? Well, yes, that is part of the MB property family, but only Mandalay guests are able to use our pool."

Guest: "I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting a live person to answer and you caught me in the middle of lunch. [Room reservation agent thinks to herself, Well, YOU called ME. YOU Tarzan ME Jane.]

Guest: "Why do you charge if there are more than two people in the room? Why does my 3-year-old get charged?"

Guest [On a cell phone, talking like the micro-machines commercial guy; it's obvious they are incredibly pressed for time but ask THIS fab question, which needs at least a year and a half to answer]: "Can you tell me why I should stay at your motel instead of all the others on the Strip?"

Or this:

Guest: "Thanks for that info. Can you give me the rates for Bellagio, Mirage, TI, and Aladdin? What, you're not all connected?" [Yes, that's a DAILY occurrence.]

How do these people function? Do they REALLY think Vegas is one big frigging call center? Do they plan trips to Disneyland or New York City and think everything is one big charge? Good grief!

Oh Browndilocks, Dear Browndilocks,

No! It's not you.

For what you want, nay deserve, is a rare find in this zoo. No girth of a culinary delight dripping with chipotle can substitute for a loving heart, not even remotely. No, the things you need, and definitely deserve will not come from a possessive, dorky, gnarled-tooth perv.

Your knight in shining armor doth truly ride a steed, but it's an electric motor (or strong arms) that supply its speed. For the man you deserve, worthy but yet to "step to the plate" still has a way to go, so you'll just have to wait or kiss some more frogs, give the little boys their chance or bode your time well, with good company, yoga and dance. You still have lessons yet to learn, if only a few give this broken-shelled man time to catch up with you: "Step up to the plate"—"No Sonja, you're not quite ready." But it is MY growth that must catch up, and it is quite steady.

So, my lovely Browndilocks, ready for that perfect bowl of porridge? Let a true loving heart mean more than girth, and I'll come out of storage, finish my training like a good samurai, learn to earn, to lavish you with things I must buy. As for the love that you so richly deserve, don't worry 'bout this; just have a bowl big enough to hold a lifetime of bliss.

Love,

I was so shocked to see that you had the only review (on rottentomatoes.com) that stated what seemed so obvious to me.

I happened upon your review of Upside of Anger off of rottentomatoes.com. Thank you for validating my thoughts. And you know, I really, really hate it when a movie's premise is so stupid, when the whole story revolves around something that never seems like something real people would do. She goes for years without trying to contact her husband or filing for divorce. (How does she have access to the endless flow of money? She has no friends, no lawyer, no one encouraging her to contact her husband.)

What baloney! The whole story is based on something that, as hard as I try, I can't see a real person doing. What a waste of talent. Anyhow, so I was greatly relieved to see your review in the sea of breathless "oohs" and "aahs."