Twistin’ By the Pool

Compiled by
Martin Stein

"I've completely sworn off pool parties. If I wanted judgment and resentment, I would still live at home with my mother. Especially, since the last time I went to a pool party, I wore a red bathing suit and the kids yelled, "Hey Kool-Aid!"

"I have to start clearing more space on my cell phone for new numbers."

"Smear on fake tan and spend your pool time at the library. Wear a lot of black and stay up all night—that makes skipping the pool a style statement. Use misdirection; show up at the pool nude, and nobody will notice you're pale and fat. "

"As always, summer to me is about parties! I'll be inviting some of my baseball-star buddies to our infamous summer barbeque blowouts! I'm busy now getting my pool and deck ready: getting out the Ballpark Franks, beer, suntan lotion and bowls of steroids! By the way, I'm not saying Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco or Mark McGwire are juiced up, but at a barbeque last year, they were seen trying to inject the potato salad into their arms. Scary!"

"I'm going to do some cardio and get in shape."

"I'm going to learn to swim."

"We always have to be in shape because we are always naked, so I guess I'll buy a bathing suit."

"I run until I cannot breathe, and working out—major Pilates workout—and I drink 20 gallons of water to flush it all out. And then I get a new bikini."

"I do consistent total body-weight training at a high intensity. And I eat small meals throughout the day, with brown rice, oatmeal, green vegetables and plenty of protein with essential fatty acids."

"For firm breasts: With legs shoulder-width apart, lift arms above the head, strongly pressing the palms together, 10 times, bring arms down to waist-level and start again. Each position works a different muscle in the chest.

"For a round derriere: Stand with your body angled slightly forward, with your arms crossed in front or pressing one hand against a wall. Flexing one foot, raise that leg up and back as high as you can eight times, then change legs. The body weight rests on the leg on the ground, therefore the quadriceps resist and harden."

"Dancing six to eight hours a day, which I break into twenty 40-minute sets. As far as eating habits: lots and lots of sugar to get the energy to dance. Strength training is done with aerial routines.

"Look at last year's Rehab pictures. It's enough motivation to get anyone in the gym!"

"The best way to get in shape is to play a sport, and the hippest sport (according to TV) is poker. The Rio has a new poker room; go down and turn all your food money into chips. It'll get your heart rate up to fat-burning and you can't eat those chips."

"I used to saw myself in half. Terrific for the abs. Forget about a six-pack, I had a 12-pack. Now that summer's around the corner, I might put that back in the show, or just practice it when I'm alone."

"Here's my fitness tip: I don't jog 'cause joggers are always the ones who find the dead body."

"The first thing is not to do hundreds of exercises; the first thing is to be 101 percent confident of who and what you are. I'm not saying that a good butt or good abs will not improve your look. Oh no, I'd never say something like that! Sweating a little ... what can be hotter than a tight, sweaty body?! Have fun because that's all you should care about."

"I'm going to get an indoor tan and shave my legs."

"Get laser hair removal so I don't have to shave my legs and show off my razor burn."

"I shave, I walk and drink lots of water, darling. Don't forget to shave your chest, power-walking and don't forget a big sun bonnet."

"NOOO! Swimsuit season is here? Gosh, I hope my steady diet of cheese and candy has paid off!

"I will make an effort to not eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting."

"I'm just going to stop eating. I'm going to do lots of sit-ups and not drink any soda."

"The only exercise I do in preparation for summer is 'lifting' my fork and 'joggin' to the microwave several times a day!"

"Upgrade your menu. C'mon people, with the advent of the Food Network, there's no excuse for hot dogs, hamburgers and potato chips. If that's all your servin', I'll eat before I get to your house. And don't forget the soul food! Find out what greens are and learn how to make 'em!"

"Drinking stamina is always the same, but I definitely switch to low-carb beer."

"I've stopped ordering room service to my suite at the Hard Rock. Instead, I walk downstairs to pick it up—for the exercise. And I've cut back to eight meals a day!"

"I replace the missing links in my chain mail, strengthen my sword arm, and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!"

"A day and a half before your late-night pool party, turn the pool heater all the way up. You must flip the switch numerous times so the heater will heat the pool. By the time your party starts, your pool will be over 100 degrees. Now, you can get 20 or 30 of your closest friends in the world's largest hot tub."

"I'm going to get all my vaccinations, and since I'm a nurse, I'll give them to anybody who needs them. I'm going to cut up all my muumuus and turn them into bikinis."

"Summer is all about timing. Make sure the AC works, change the dog-walking schedule to early a.m. or late p.m., buy the latest cellulite cream and Mystic Tan like crazy, carefully planning any jacuzzi, swimming, waxing or showering activities. Always Mystic Tan two days before your function and use an exfoliant and shave the day of spraying on your golden tan. Most important, use SPF 30 sun-block on your

precious face at all times—my, what the sun does to add a few years!"

"I get ready for summer pool parties by having my must-haves in my bag: bikini, sun-screen, cute sunglasses, flavored lip gloss and my iPod filled with ... Queen music!"

"You will, of course, find us hanging out poolside at Skin at the Palms Resort and Casino. To prepare myself for summer activities I have been hitting the gym, hard! I do an hour to an hour and a half of cardio about five days a week. I do light weight lifting and abdominal work. I cut down on the amount of sugar and breads that I consume and drink lots of water."

"I'm going to buy some new swimsuits and hang out by my pool to get a tan."

"I plan to shop in every corner of the universe until I find the hottest bikini to wear out at the pool."

"I get ready for summer and all the pool parties by spending a lot of

time at the gym working out. I make sure that I always have a bottle of suntan lotion and a new bikini on hand. This summer, you can catch me at Skin and Skinny Dip on Tuesday nights."

"I love summers in Vegas. How do I get ready for the summer? It's not so much about eating right and working out ... It's about dusting off my binoculars in search of the latest bikini-wear!"

"I wanted to write something witty and brilliant, but after perusing the other tips, I've made a strong resolution to slather my naked, plump-from-packin'-on-the-winter-carbs self in potato salad and make friends with Wayne Allyn Root, Vegas-based professional sports handicapper and author of The Zen of Gambling."