With apologies to Paul Harasim.
"Like Shakespeare, Gigi Shinn understands that buttocks are not all created equal." So began a recent R-J story about giant toilet seats coming to Las Vegas. The R-J. Shakespeare. Giant asses. Why Harasim didn't cite a more modern bard, such as Sir Mix-A-Lot, is a question still being debated in the Weekly's newsroom.
What also is being debated is just what this signifies, because in our post-postmodern age, everything signifies something. And the question is: Are the Big Johns a much-needed solution to the widespread issue of American obesity, or is making life easier for the overweight simply encouraging non-healthful habits, the edible version of handing out free cigarettes at playgrounds?
The Big John's king-size porcelain thrones that are 5 inches wider than the normal 14-inch seat, can withstand more than 1,200 pounds and boast one more color than Henry Ford's Model T (Big John is available in white AND off-white) are being sold exclusively in Las Vegas through Kelly's Pipe & Supply, of which Ms. Shinn is the showroom manager. And the portly potties are a massive, giant, enormous hit. To date, 3,000 have been sold at $168 list each, claims inventor Aitan Levy, including three to Harrah's Las Vegas.
Harrah's declined to comment.
Though introduced to the wide world six months ago, the success began in Vegas, says Levy, who debuted his creation at a medical trade show here in the beginning of April. "Everybody makes fun of it, even big people make fun of it," he says from his home base of Sherman Oaks, California. "They laugh, and then they say, "Great idea!"
"I find it a welcome addition to our choices. Toilets can be an issue for people of size." So says Peggy Miller, public relations chairman for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, a left-wing lobby group that maintains fat people are not responsible for being fat. (And before you start the letter-writing campaign to have me fired, the NAAFA encourages the use of the word "fat" to "(cast) off the shame we have been taught to feel about our bodies.") Downplaying the seemingly obvious concept that your life might be at risk if walking to the end of your driveway to get your mail leaves you winded, Miller explains that many toilets at places such as convention halls hang off walls and lack a supporting structure. This presumably could lead to a situation like in an infamous Ally McBeal episode, except that her butt was too skinny and caused her to fall INTO the bowl, while the butts of "people of size" are too big and heavy and would lead to an entirely different outcome in which the toilet would come out on the losing end.
Of even greater concern to Miller than free-hanging crappers are people who diet and then slide back into their old, unhealthy eating habits. "It's been shown over the years that's way more harmful to you than just to stay at a larger weight," Miller says, before emphasizing that "there are some physicians in the world who believe we can be healthy at any weight we are."
(Of course, there are some physicians in the world who believe that fevers are caused by evil spirits who can be excised with a chicken claw and straw doll, but try and get your HMO to cover the bill for that one.)
"It's a sad commentary that obesity has gotten to the point that we need to have products like this," says Dr. Walter Tsou, president of the American Public Health Association, who is no witch doctor and believes that being fat leads to a greater risk of heart disease and diabetes, just to name two life-threatening conditions. "We are getting bigger, getting more obese as a society, and we are accepting it more," Tsou explains. "That's something that should be of great concern to all of us." That said, Tsou concedes that it's the wisdom of the marketplace that someone like Levy sees and provides for a need.
Working hand-on-arse with this need are companies like Charmin. According to spokeswoman Celeste Kuta, "We've got the bigger roll to go with it." The Procter & Gamble subsidiary recently started shipping the Charmin Mega Roll that holds four times as many sheets as a regular roll. And much as Levy is making toilet seats larger, so is Charmin making toilet-paper rolls, coming out with the Charmin Extender, which provides the needed extra inch for its fatter bundles of tissue. Making wider tissue to match our wider derrieres is not in the works, Kuta says. People simply keep pulling on the roll "until they get a sense of bulk in their hand," she says. "It's all about hand protection."
"It's like a captain's chair for your bathroom," says Levy. And while few people likely envision themselves as Capt. Ahab while doing their No. Ones and Twos, our increasing number of giant whales ensures that Levy will be sitting pretty for some time to come. (Gee, I guess high-falutin' literary references ARE easy to drop into stories!)