The news is all about keeping you, the engaged reader, informed about the vital issues in your ... oh, stop, stop! I think I just set a personal best for keeping a straight face. Forget the J-school product specs. What Americans really like about the news is its true function: adjudicating winners and losers. Cleverly disguised as really boring prose, the news is actually a running tally of who's up (so you can be angry or envious) and who's down (so you can exhibit mock pity or outright schaudenfreude). Say a judge denies Sandy Murphy's request for $28,000 to compensate for "legal copying fees," as happened last week. The implication: Sandy Murphy loses. The apparent winner? Some lawyer, who gets to keep the $28,000 either way. The real winner? Readers, of course, who can get worked up about a woman who may have gotten away with murder and then has the gall to demand another $28,000—about what a first-year teacher makes, by way of emotionally grabby but not especially relevant comparison (which readers also enjoy).
I love journalism.
Ducks: Big losers this week. Several birds plucked from a casino water feature last week tested positive for West Nile virus and St. Louis encephalitus, which is especially bad if the bird had to visit St. Louis to pick it up. According to the small type ("risk low") above the large, scary headline ("Infected birds from Strip pool") on the front page of last Friday's R-J, humans are the winners, because you can't get the virus from a duck. The apparent winner? The casino, which by federal agreement remains nameless, despite the media's dogged attempts to learn its identity by repeatedly calling MGM-Mirage spokesman Alan Feldman. The real winner? This column's guess: the R-J, which noted that the casino remained nameless but ran a picture of a duck in front of the Mirage anyway. That'll teach ya to stonewall the media, Mr. Alan Feldman!
School is an invaluable institution that trains young minds ... oh, stop, stop already! (I slay me!) It's as brutal an exercise in winning and losing as there is. Who loses? Well, very obviously, kids, whom the president wants to steep in superstition (saying "intelligent design" should be taught in schools), and whom the school district won't let dress themselves (last week reaffirming its stupid dress code). For observers, the maddening thing about the situation at Derfelt Elementary—where parents of autistic children say their kids have been mistreated—is that it's not clear who's winning or losing. Are instructors really hurting their charges or are parents overreacting to the measures sometimes required to keep autistic kids in line? Some problems are too vast even for dull prose to sort out.
And the winner in education? If you go by that most American of measurements—money—it's clearly the next superintendent: the school board has decided to pay that person $290,000, or 10 times Sandy Murphy's copying fees.
That's the news, and I am outta here.
The Week in Math! |
-2 Congress to Lake Mead: No fed improvement funds for you! Suggests upgrades be paid for with off-limits BLM land-swap money.
-2 Clear Channel to LV: You owe us $627,209 for free Red Hot Chili Peppers concert! (Expenses higher than projected.) Maybe there's some spare land-swap money!
+2 Rednecks trump hoopsters. Estimated economic impact of 2007 NBA all-star game: $27 million. 2003 National Finals Rodeo: $50 million. 2005 Nascar weekend: $167 million.
+1 UNLV to name basketball floor after Coach Tark.
Final Score
-1
And We'd Already Have a Pro Football Team, Albeit a Mildly Sucky One |
"If this was Minnesota, it would be a lake already."
Thursdays with Oscar |
We Observe the Mayor's Weekly Press Conference so You Don't Have to
Date: August 4, 2005
Themes: Reality TV, sports, the city as Michael Jordan, the future
Summary: Mayor Goodman said he's still waiting for reality-show producers to come to him with a fresh concept. If they don't, "I don't need it because I can't get paid for it." He was more than happy to take ownership of the upcoming NBA All-Star Weekend—"It's a giant step toward accomplishing my dream of having Las Vegas be a major-league town"—and noted that, before agreeing to meet here next year, the U.S. Confrerence of Mayors had once barred him from pitching Vegas as a meeting spot. He also waxed optimistic about Vegas' future as a sports town, saying the city itself would be a superstar: "Vegas will be Michael Jordan." Clear shelf space for your Air Goodmans.
Most intriguing statement: Speaking of the disputed Downtown medical center, Goodman said, "If I continue as mayor, you can bet we'll have an academic medical center downtown." If I continue as mayor. Is that A.) a nonspecific nod to the vagaries of political fate; B.) a mild hint that he might run for governor, which the Review-Journal recently reminded us he hasn't ruled out; or C.) ...?
Scott Dickensheets is a Weekly writer at large. Give him crap at
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