As he held me in his strong arms, I could feel his heart beating and it warmed me. My eyes were closed but I could feel him leaning in to kiss me. Butterflies danced frantically around in my tummy as our lips finally met, lips that I have kissed a hundred times before.
It didn't take long for the anticipation to build between us, it never did. He pressed his body into mine, wanting me to feel his excitement grow. He gently lifted my chin exposing my neck, which he kissed oh-so-tenderly; it was more than I could handle and I whispered a sigh of pleasure.
"Ooooh, John ..."
Suddenly the kissing stopped.
When I opened my eyes and saw his face, the dancing butterflies turned into a wave of nausea and I thought I might be sick.
"I see you're still up to no good." He was smiling a mischievous smile and my heart and mind began to race.
I was still in his arms and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I pushed back and took several steps away from him, the freezing late-night air of New York sobering me. How could I have thought for one second that transferring my attentions and emotions onto another person would take my mind off the situation I was dealing with, or not dealing with back home with John? It was nothing more than my own bad behavior resurfacing and I knew it.
"Let me guess, John is your newest conquest in Las Vegas and since you've traveled all the way to New York City for a little Christmas vacation, you decided to have some fun on the down-low?" I turned away, unable to face him. "It's all right with me, Sonja. I would have expected nothing less from the Sex Columnist of Sin City," said Brian, a former beau I had kept in touch with over the years.
I was suddenly filled with regret, even more so because Brian had made such ugly accusations. I wasn't cheating, I'd split up with John before I left on vacation. But why was I surprised that he'd think the worst of me? Didn't everyone? In the short time that I spent with John, hadn't everyone who knows me made comments about how I would walk all over him, break his heart and destroy him? That he was too nice a guy for a man-eating relationship leper like me? Wasn't everyone just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to realize it for myself and do what I do best—dump him and move on to my next dysfunctional relationship? And here I was, proving everyone right.
It was exhausting constantly trying to defend my intentions and myself. I want to love and be loved. I deserve that and so does John, so why were so many people so sure it wouldn't work? The more I heard the negative input, the more I started to wonder myself.
The night before I left on my trip, I called him to vent. I wanted to discuss with him the insurmountable pressure I was starting to feel and not just with my friends, but with my co-workers as well; they all know and love John very much. I couldn't help but feel as though they were burning holes in my back just waiting for me to harm their precious pal. Was it my own paranoia, or was it my intuition?
"Well, I think they have this slanted view of you because of the words you yourself have written over the years. The longer you write your column, the longer they will have this idea that you are solely the one-dimensional character that you have created. They don't see what I see," said John.
"I don't know what to do," I said miserably. "Part of me wants to just show them all that I do have what it takes to have a strong and healthy relationship with a good-hearted man whose only intentions are to make my life easier, and then there's the part of me that worries that they are right. What if I can't do this? What if I do hurt you?"
"So maybe you should give up the column," he offered.
"WHAT?!" I yelled at him.
"For awhile, take a sabbatical. ..."
"I JUST TOOK A SABBATICAL!" I yelled again. "I write a relationship column. I just so happen to be in a relationship with YOU, the Golden Boy, and now everyone is up my ass to make sure I don't f--k it up! Maybe what I need to do is take a sabbatical from you!"
It was out there, those ugly words just hanging between us on the phone. He said nothing and I wanted to kill myself for being so heartless.
After a few minutes he said, "If that's what would make you happy, then that's what we should do. I love you, I want to add to your life. If you are feeling pressured, then I'm a detriment and maybe we should take a break." He was giving me an out, and I knew at that moment how much he loved me.
Just say no, Sonja, just say no. The column isn't as important as what could be a wonderful and long-lasting relationship. Don't let it ruin what you could have with this man. Of course, if it didn't work out between us and I gave the column up, I'd hate him. I was starting to hate him now. He was always so understanding and eager to make me happy. What was wrong with him? Maybe everyone was right; eventually I would break his heart. Why not just do it now instead of dragging it out and trying to pretend I'm something I'm not?
"I think we should," I whispered. "I'm sorry." It sounded lame, but I was.
"Fine. Don't worry about me, I'll be OK," he said sadly.
As I hung up the phone, I told myself that I'd done the right thing. Somehow, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I couldn't help but wonder: Without him, would I be OK?
Sonja is a writer who covers the ins and outs of relationships. Or is it the ups and downs?