"Well, it's official, you're a cougar!" said my best friend, Patrick, when I told him about Darin, the twenty-something hottie who had me over the moon as of late and had single-handedly managed to make me feel younger, sexier and more desirous than I had in years. I smiled broadly and shook my head in complete agreement. Of course, I had no idea what in the hell he was talking about, but for fear of not looking hip and cool to my 31-year-old, very hip, very cool best bud, I didn't let on that I was totally oblivious to the whole "cougar" thing.
What is a cougar? I was determined to find out. At a party in San Diego, I found myself flirting innocently with two extremely attractive, younger men. As I batted my lashes and wooed them with some of my best Sonja stories, they seemed leery at first, but then soon gave in to my womanly wiles and before you know it, we were laughing, joking and having a ball. Just for kicks, I said, "You gotta watch out for cougars like me." Their jaws dropped and they both took a knee and bowed to me in unison.
I was obviously perplexed by their reaction to my statement; then Jamie, the taller of the two, said, "Not only do you know what a cougar is, but you admit to being one. That is awesome!"
I hardly had the heart to tell him that I was a fake. That I'd only added it to my repertoire after my buddy had used it to describe me. It wasn't until later—when Jamie forwarded me an e-mail that his friend, Knoss, had sent to all of their young compadres before venturing out for an evening of fun at a bachelor party—that I began to gain an understanding of the cougar—the myth, the legend, the older-woman-devours-younger-man theory.
The e-mail was entitled: COUGAR 101. And I was informed that it had been passed from cougar hunter to cougar hunter with years of wisdom and refinement added along the way as the Cougar itself evolves. Here is just a sampling of the e-mail I received:
COUGAR 101
"In order to catch and tame it, we must first understand the beast. To understand the beast is to know it. So let's start off with a simple definition. Cougar: KOO-grrrrr/ (noun); attractive mammal from the female species; middle-aged (35-45); some have been domesticated, but all are considered highly dangerous; quite experienced in fornication; prey on young, single, attractive men, sometimes even prey on women. Now that we've defined the 'cougar,' let's examine some cougar tendencies.
"They roam in packs, 2-4 at a time. They try to disguise themselves by dressing like the younger generation, low-cut jeans, tight shirts. But, they can be recognized by stretch marks, large diamonds and slight wrinkles around they eyes. They are a very cunning beast. They like to cut through the small talk and prefer to discuss mounting techniques.
"Very aggressive, they tend to circle their prey before they pounce. Their domiciles are usually littered with toys. This alerts the prey to the fact that they have cubs lurking in the home.
"Cougars are very aggressive, yet slightly intimidated. They prefer to pounce on unsuspecting prey that does not show signs of fighting back. So position yourself in the middle of the room, away from your friends. The cougar will sniff you out and begin to approach.
"Once you've made friends with the cougar you will need to actually engage in conversation with her. Don't be alarmed; this is only to discern how aggressive the cougar is. Some may go in for the kill right away; others may need you to 'listen.'
"Conversation is not a necessity, though. All you need to do is stand there, act interested and react to any of their aggressive moves.
"To accelerate the process, feed the cougar alcohol. ..."
It went on from there but I couldn't. I suddenly felt sick to my tummy. At first, it was funny, hysterical almost; then it was a little too close to home. How could this be? Was I really nothing more than a desperate middle-aged woman seeking the affections of younger men in an effort to validate myself? Disgusting.
As if that weren't enough of a slap in the face, I logged onto www.urbancougar.com, a site that Jamie and Eric had mentioned when we met. I read a quote from Christina, the urban cougar of the month, which read:
"Any words of encouragement for your fellow cougars out there?
"It's amazing to be with younger men. There is so much to teach them. However, they don't belong to us Cougars, so we must know when to let them go. Just have fun and enjoy the time you spend with them."
Great, I'd already committed a rookie cougar move, and so early on in my career as an urban cougar: I'd started to fall for my prey. I felt so stupid.
I knew in an instant what I had to do, and true to form, I let fear win as I picked up the phone and called my sweet, young Darin, the man-boy who unbeknownst to him had managed to make me feel so happy and alive. Sadly, it was time to let him go.
Sonja is a writer who covers the ins and outs of relationships. Or is it the ups and downs?