You can probably guess my first thought when the Review-Journal reported on a man who mounted a platform 30 feet above a Downtown parking lot, "yelling profanity and ranting incoherently." This guy wants my job. An understandable response. You, too, would be threatened by someone showing off the same skill set you've based your career on. But whereas my second thought was one of extreme generosity—OK, you can have it, pal, but I'm keepin' the ulcer—that wasn't the case elsewhere in a week that saw a lot of action on the turf-protection front.
Who knew, for example, that Clark County's doctors could convincingly mimic surly teenage surfers? But that was the case last week when some Vegas physicians complained that Oscar Goodman was making the home team look bad by trying to bring in the University of Pittsburgh to administer a Downtown medical center. The minute you jump bad with our doctors about an entirely theoretical facility just hundreds of millions of dollars from completion, well, you've gone too far. Back off, dudes, locals only! "We're very sensitive," explained a spokesman for the Clark County Medical Society, telling the R-J, "We have fine doctors here." Not so fine, however, as to prevent a University School of Medicine spokesman from admitting that they'd have to look out of state for enough expertise to staff the place. Local physicians say they could mount their own bid to create a medical center. It just might take a little longer, and the Medical Society spokesman said Nevadans must learn to be patient. Oh, and not getting sick would be good, too.
Speaking of sensitive people: cabbies! Like crazy platform ranters, underappreciated local doctors and tragically misunderstood weekly columnists, hack drivers are just regular people trying to make a buck, often by swerving maniacally through traffic. But that's not what drew the attention of lawmaker John Ocegura. Turns out he slipped a last-minute proviso onto a last-minute bill during last week's flurry of Legislative last-minute-ism; it banned the practice of taxi drivers accepting bounties from strip clubs for delivering patrons. "Kickbacks don't seem like a good thing to do," he said, apparently rehearsing for a guest spot on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Never mind that the measure is largely redundant—cabbie kickbacks are already outlawed by the county. How can you say you're tough on crime unless you're willing to make some offenses extra-super-gonzo illegal?
Cabbies responded in a surprising fashion: by driving below the speed limit, which must've qualified them for emotional-distress benefits. But their Strip-traffic slowdown got the attention of Gov. Kenny Guinn, who agreed to veto the bill.
Now the county's no-kickback law is under review, which, as the Sun pointed out, will involve "a round of joint governmental meetings." Credit those shrewd cabbies for knowing the ultimate slow-down move. At least that's the view from up here on the crazy platform. Send Maalox!
Let's Do the Math! |
-4 Mistrial declared in Beau Maestas murder case as two jurors find he isn't quite bad enough to warrant death penalty.
-2 City puts out call for couples to engage in emergency matrimony after 100-weddings stunt threatens to fall through.
+2 (If you already own a home) New report shows median housing prices in valley top $300,000.
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2 (If you don't but want to) New report shows median housing prices in valley top $300,000.
Final score
+1*
News Flash! |
Local Family Seeks Debt Relief
HENDERSON—The Dickensheets family of Henderson is petitioning the World Bank for $40 billion in debt relief, saying such a move is necessary if needed democratic reforms are to take root in the bill-plagued household. "It's hard to institute widespread freedoms when the cable payment is due," said patriarch Scott Dickensheets, noting that although Bono has yet to take up his family's cause, he's still encouraged by the spirit of debt-forgiveness sweeping the globe.
Dickensheets said he would apply the debt forgiveness to several credit cards and car loans, some money he borrowed for his middle son's braces, and library late fees. However, family finance minister Laura Dickensheets admitted the figure probably wouldn't cover their teenagers' Netflix use.
"Although it's not enough to address outstanding student loans, relieving $40 billion in household debt will allow us to make needed infrastructural improvements," Scott Dickensheets said. "Like a big-screen TV in the famly room and a barbecue pit that the people have needed for many years.
"Bottom-line," he added, "is this: If they can do it for Tongo Bongo or wherever the f--k, they can do it for us."
But dissidents within the family, who spoke anonymously for fear of reprisal, said that any debt relief should be tied to political reform. "He needs to stop making us do homework before we go play," said one.
Responded Dickensheets, "When they pay for their own Instant Messaging, then they can have a voice."
Thursdays with Oscar |
We Observe the Mayor's Weekly Press Conference So You Don't Have to
June 9, 2005
Themes: Diversity, children, disappointment, excitement, Lance Burton
Summary: Goodman had two weeks' worth of mayoral miscellanea to report, but he began by noting a "special guest": a writer from Reader's Digest who is profiling him for, as Goodman put it, "a family audience and fourth-graders." Among his activities during the weeks in question, Goodman attended three Memorial Day services, which left him disappointed in at least one respect. "There were no youngsters at the services," he said ruefully. We'd like to think they were absorbed in Reader's Digest. It was also a diverse period in which the mayor served as grand marshal of the gay pride parade and waxed enthusiastic about the Latin, Asian and African-American chambers of commerce working together. "I don't think I've seen anything like it anywhere I've ever been," he said of the racial harmony. Another thing he's never seen anything like is the stunt Lance Burton pulled at an event heralding December's Las Vegas Marathon. The illusionist made the $2.5 million prize money appear. Note to Oscar: Get Lance working on med-center funding!
* Final score adjusted to reflect that I won three—three!—complimentary one-liter Diet Cokes in just two days in Coca-Cola's bottle-cap contest. That's a good week, brother.
Scott Dickensheets is a Weekly writer at large. Give him crap (or cake) at
[email protected].