I'm not one of those guys who is particularly adept at operating home appliances.
I stay away from the oven at all costs. I dial 911 if the garbage disposal gets backed up. I use the blender, sure, but only to puree losing parlay tickets. And everybody does that, I figure.
A co-worker once asked me if I had ever bought a dishwasher. My answer: "Nope, I married one."
And although my wife is quick to point out, based on similar reasoning, that she never has bought a lawn mower, that doesn't change my fear of such things. In the kitchen, the fridge is my only friend.
Smaller gadgets are a different story, however. In fact, there are two I'm very familiar with, and quite comfortable controlling—the telephone and the TV remote. On Sunday, only one of these should ever be in use.
That's why I was perturbed when a friend of mine who is an avid baseball fan had the audacity to call during the afternoon NFL games. You remember baseball, don't you? That's the sport that bridges the gap between football seasons. That's why it's known as America's pastime—it passes the time between the Super Bowl and the following NFL campaign.
"Hey, turn on the baseball game," says my misguided friend. "It's the 16th inning."
That's another problem with baseball—there's no clock. Games can go on indefinitely, interfering with more important matters, such as dinner, or the start of other games. Baseball needs a sudden-death rule. If a game is tied after nine innings, the team with the first player that passes a steroid test wins.
The football game I am watching is heading to a commercial break just before halftime, so I humor my friend by switching channels temporarily. He points out the matchup between Houston pitcher Roger Clemens, age 43, and Atlanta hitter Julio Franco, who's listed at 47 but I could swear he was a rookie second baseman for the Cubs the last time they won the World Series. That makes him about 118 years old, I figure.
I reminded my friend that in baseball, because of its less physical nature, older players can compete with younger players. I told him that in a grueling game such as football this could never happen.
"What about Jerry Rice?" he reminded me back. "He's 43 and could still play if he wanted. Warren Moon played well into his 40s and Steve DeBerg played in a Super Bowl at 44. Doug Flutie is still out there and Vinny Testaverde just led the Jets to a win and he's almost 42."
At this time, I again leaned upon my valuable skill at manipulating smaller gadgets.
Did you know that if you switch to halftime highlights with one hand and hang up on an annoying caller with the other simultaneously, you can achieve total happiness?
Picks: I'll take the Vikings plus 3 against the Bears, the Patriots plus 3 against the Broncos and the Chargers-Raiders over 51.
Lance Burton (5-10)
Rams +13 1/2 at Colts
Chiefs -6 vs. Redskins
Falcons -4 1/2 at Saints
Danny Gans (6-9)
Falcons -4 1/2 at Saints
Browns +5 at Ravens
Patriots +3 at Broncos
Oscar Goodman (2-13)
Patriots +3 at Broncos
Chargers -1 1/2 at Raiders
Colts -13 1/2 vs. Rams
Clint Holmes (8-6-1)
Redskins +6 at Chiefs
Vikings +3 at Bears
Patriots +3 at Broncos
Kevin Janison (8-7)
Vikings +3 over Bears
Ravens-Browns over 33 1/2
Cowboys-Giants under 47
Mark & Mercedes (6-8-1)
Chargers -1 1/2 at Raiders
Patriots +3 at Broncos
Bengals -3 at Titans
Wayne Newton (9-6)
Bengals -3 at Titans
Steelers -Jaguars under 45
Ravens -5 vs. Browns
Penn & Teller (6-9)
Steelers -2 1/2 vs. Jaguars
Falcons -4 1/2 at Saints
Raiders +1 1/2 vs. Chargers
Rita Rudner (7-7-1)
Vikings +3 at Bears
Ravens -5 vs. Browns
Chargers -1 1/2 at Raiders
Sal DeFilippo can really move outside of the pocket before tossing that pigskin.