Oi, Wolverine! Why aren't you up to your bloody nuts in the still-twitching guts of mad Muslim terrorists in a new X-men movie? Eh? You hairy-faced Canadian coward.
I know what you're thinking. What sort of idiot shouts abuse at comic-book characters? Well, for one, there's right-wing critic Debbie Schussel, who—in an essay entitled "So, Lois Lane is a Single Mom & a Slut," published on her blog—suckerpunched Superman for the hideous liberal crime of not flying to Fallujah and kicking Islamo-fascist ass in Superman Returns.
But this wasn't just the demented drooling of a single, cock-eyed Anne Coulter wannabe. Seeing Supes go down under Shussel's stilettos, other right-wing bootboys flocked to the carnage. They stomped The Man of Steel for not having the balls to be in Baghdad, exterminating all opposition to U.S. foreign policy with extreme super-prejudice.
You see my problem here? I've got a barrel full of moronic right-wing fish and a gun. Should I go easy on their aquatic asses? Hell, no.
First off, I suggest that all these conservative Super-hatas—taking the antifascist volunteers of the Spanish Civil War as their example—form a Lex Luthor Brigade. They could fly to Iraq, where they could prove their superior patriotism by killing folks who hate freedom.
No, but seriously, why aren't America's superheroes helping out with the War Against Brown Skinned Folks Owning all the Oil?
The answer, rather surprisingly is that they are. Some of them, anyway, like Marvel's Squadron Supreme. But decorated 'Nam vet The Punisher, rather shockingly, isn't. He told the Pentagon to go fish when they tried to send him to the 'Stan. What a dirty, rotten, stinking, filthy, America-hating liberal coward. And how did he get all those medals, anyway, since the amazing Dr Manhattan singlehandedly destroyed the entire Vietnamese resistance in Chapter 4 of the graphic novel Watchmen? The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth should investigate immediately.
But now there's great news for groin–clutching, closet-racist, neo-con, quasi-imperialists with Nietzschean Übermensch complexes. There's a new superteam on the block—Marvel's Squadron Supreme! (Actually, they're a revamped version of an old Marvel team, but in a time of war, who cares?) And they're kicking Islamo-fascist ass.
This bunch of amazingly powered mutant misfits is currently in the Middle East, brutally slaughtering what appear to be the legally constituted armed forces of the Republic of Iran. After they've surrendered. Oh, dear! But it's okay because—being non-Christian/non-white/non-Americans—the bad guys are all religious bigots, mass-murderers and rapists. With facial hair. Phew!
And if that wasn't enough, the patriots at DC comics are fighting back with Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters ("they fight for you!")—a "meta-human Gestapo" under the command of "fundamentalists and ideologues masquerading as patriots." Huzzah!
But wait, there's more! Legendary comic writer/artist Frank Miller has announced he's working on a book where Batman batters Al Qaeda several new assholes (after the scum attack Gotham). Which is odd, because in Miller's last Batman book, the Caped Crusader kicked seven shades of supershit out of Superman for being a government stooge, and then organized the youth of Gotham into a revolutionary cadre to fight a U.S. government hellbent on subverting constitutional freedoms in the name of national security. Which is kinda sorta the exact opposite of Miller's current project. Which, not to put too fine a point on it, sounds like it could have been written by the young neo-con daleks in the Halliburton press office.
But contradictions be damned. We're saved, people! Let's get the troops home and leave the killing to the freaks in tights.