VIDEO GAMES: Got a Mediocre Third-Person Shooter?

DIRGE OF CERBERUS: FINAL FANTASY VII BY SQUARE ENIX (2 1/2 stars)
Platform: PlayStation 2
Rated: T.

Gamers can't get enough of 1997's Final Fantasy VII, and Square Enix has finally decided to milk Midgar for all they can get. They've already released a PSP movie, and Dirge of Cerberus is the first of two planned spin-off games. Unfortunately, the popularity of the FFVII brand seems to have convinced Square that they can sell games on the brand name alone: "Got a mediocre third-person shooter? Oh, just slap Final Fantasy VII at the end of the title. It'll sell."

Dirge of Cerberus may as well star James Bond or The Punisher or any other licensed hero popular enough to assure programmers there's no harm in taking extra-long lunch breaks. As it is, it stars Vincent Valentine, who's established powers of metamorphosis have taken a backseat to mundane pistol-wielding. He'll walk a linear path from one bland industrial complex to the next, with Square's trademark artistry confined to the occasional flashback cut-scene, where all our favorite FFVII characters dazzle us with elaborately choreographed action. I wish I could play those parts.

NINETY-NINE NIGHTS BY MICROSOFT (2 1/2 stars)
Platform: Xbox 360
Rated: M

Playing Ninety-Nine Nights, I can't help but think about Shadow of the Colossus. That was a game that simply gave you a sword and a bow and tasked you to kill only 16 memorable foes in the whole game. You'll rack up thousands of kills with your flashy blade strokes in N3, but the hack 'n' slash action is so mindless and forgettable, you could score 500 kills while casually having a conversation about how gratifying a single kill in Shadow of the Colossus was.

D1 GRAND PRIX BY YUKE'S COMPANY OF AMERICA (1 1/2 stars)
Platform: PlayStation 2
Rated: E10+.

There have been many games that have made the haphazard nature of drift racing work, but D1 is not one of them. Its faulty physics will have you constantly careening out of control, and you'll be docked points every time your tires touch grass or another driver hits you. All the while, unseen commentators literally call you stupid. To their credit, they're right: If you're playing D1 Grand Prix, you are stupid.

DEEP LABYRINTH BY ATLUS (3 stars)
Platform: Nintendo DS
Rated: E10+.

This title makes excellent use of the DS's unique features. You can swing your sword with a swipe of the stylus or yell at the hard of hearing through the DS microphone. But aside from these nifty gimmicks, the underlying game is a pretty standard hack 'n' slash dungeon crawl with Nintendo 64-era graphics.