Occasionally, movies come out that are so bad, studios refuse to screen them for critics. To help give you a heads-up, here's our take on the trailers.
It takes three seconds of Bloodrayne's trailer to foresee how awful it is. You'll instantly recall that almost all video-game movies bite. A second later, you'll realize that the Bloodrayne game in particular sucks more than its half-vampire heroine. And by second No. 3, you read the words, "An Uwe Boll Film," which puts the final nail in the coffin. Boll is universally hated by gamers and filmgoers thanks to his adaptations of House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. Were I to announce right now that Boll has been selected to direct the Halo movie, hundreds of Xbox fans would fall over dead.
He hasn't. Breathe.
No, for now the curse of Boll is confined to the video-game vixen who recently bared her pixels for Playboy. Here, she's played by Kristanna Loken, who's more famous for making out with Pink than for starring in Terminator 3, which suggests there'll be plenty of full-frontal nudity and girl-on-girl action, which is all Bloodrayne's good for anyway. There also appears to be a lot of medieval sword fighting, all of which looks every bit as authentic as what you'd find at the local renaissance festival. Lastly, Kingsley and Madsen don silly wigs for their official entries into the Any Role for a Buck Club.