Are Brad Pitt's testes the new Mother Teresa? According to Entertainment Tonight, the late-blooming family man and Angelina Jolie, his partner in procreative philanthropy, have raised more than $20 million by auctioning off snapshots of their precious bundle of publicity, Shiloh Nouvel, to various magazines around the world.
The two stars haven't specified which charity the proceeds will go to yet, but if, as Save the Children suggests, it's possible to sustain a child in need for just $28 a month, their inspiring act of benevolence has the potential to underwrite 18 years of assistance to a whopping 3,300 kids.
As hard as it is to fully embrace the human dimensions of that statistic, however, it's easily eclipsed by another one. According to Brangelina, "Two million babies born every year in the developing world die on the first day of their lives." It's possible to change this, the stars insist, "but only if governments around the world make it a priority."
That last condition demands a Plan B, of course, and in these celebrity-centric times, let's face it—millions of folks will buy People magazine each week, but even if Save the Children recruits, oh, Paris Hilton as its mascot, how many will sacrifice 98 cents a day for the privilege of getting an 8-by-10 glossy of some anonymous Sudanese urchin who might not even be all that hot? The compassionate exhibitionism pioneered by Pitt and Jolie is clearly a more promising means of erasing Third World poverty. Indeed, if the Shiloh Nouvel pix went for $20 million, imagine how much the tabloids would shell out if Pitt collaborates on a zygote with his ex-spouse and production partner, Jennifer Aniston. And why stop there? Do you think Drew Barrymore is any less concerned about the fate of Javanese earthquake waifs than Angelina Jolie? There are dozens of beautiful actresses the sexiest sperm donor alive could knock up with future photo ops.
And don't expect child-free humanitarians like George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio to stand idly by, hoarding their seed like frigid pandas as Pitt and his female partners collect Nobel Prizes for their humanitarian efforts. Even in the arena of altruism—perhaps especially in the arena of altruism—stars love to one-up each other, and already, one imagines, Hollywood's most enlightened Samaritans are reproducing like Xerox machines and conspiring to top Shiloh Nouvel's $20 million payday. For example, a Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes sequel might not pack enough intrigue to shatter that mark, but what if Cruise and his obstetric arch-nemesis Brooke Shields put aside their differences and mated for the greater good of humanity? Who knows? We may even finally get to see what Michael Jackson's flamboyant druids look like under all those swaths of rich vermillion gauze.
Of course, not every celebrity will play along at first. These photographs don't fetch such high prices because the masses are itching to know if Shiloh Nouvel has Angelina's lips or not—they command those fees because they're horribly intrusive. Indeed, is there any more brazen, indecent way to remind Hollywood royalty that privacy and peace of mind are simply not part of the deal they struck?
Thanks to Brangelina, however, stars who persist in believing that some aspects of their lives are not public domain will finally be exposed for what they are: callous, self-absorbed creeps who hate starving orphans. So, c'mon, you privacy nuts—get over yourselves! Don't you realize how harmful it is for a star baby's self-esteem to languish in obscurity while her peers are commanding $20 million a snap? Hold out for the special visit from Bono if you must, but know this: President Bush isn't going to eliminate neonatal sepsis in Malawi. The average Joe on the street is barely aware of Kenya's drought victims. You are the world. You are the children. Go forth and multiply, and have your cameras at the ready.