The alarm clock reads 10:15. I just might make it.
Throw a handful of water on my face. Toss on a shirt, shorts and a baseball cap. 10:17. Peel out of the garage and begin weaving through cars like Eastern is a Formula One track. 10:22. More traffic than I expected this time of day, but I'm still looking pretty good. 10:25. Snag! Four cars ahead of me in the drive-through, led by a guy in a pickup parked at the menu board. "Pull up!" I feel like screaming, before the truck finally edges forward. 10:29. My turn to order. Nervously, I stammer the all-important question: "Are you still serving breakfast?" Register dude glances over his shoulder, mumbles something to someone behind him and turns back in slow motion. "Yep, for another minute." Ahhhhhhh, sweet relief! The Egg McMuffin is mine!
I know a few of you are thinking, "All that for McDonald's?" But I'll bet more are nodding your heads knowingly. To us, eggs taste better when they're served in a sandwich with meat and cheese, delivered in a paper bag through the window of our cars.
The Supreme Croissant from Jack in the Box. The Croissan'wich from Burger King. And, of course, the gold standard of fast-food breakfast, the McMuffin. A fluffy egg patty (an Einstein Bros. radio spot calls it "spongy," but I suggest they figure out how to make bagels that don't taste like chalk before talking crap about Mickey D's), a tidy slice of Canadian bacon and a square of melted American cheese, all on a lightly buttered (well, margarined) English muffin.
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But why, oh, why, must it require such Herculean efforts to conquer the 10:30 cutoff? Why not serve breakfast later, or better yet, all day? Who wouldn't want a McMuffin, hash browns and orange juice as a late lunch or, better yet, at 2 a.m. from one of the 24-hour franchises? Particularly in Las Vegas, with so much of the workforce on graveyard or swing shifts, old-fashioned notions of breakfast hours no longer make sense. Keep in mind these sorts of restrictions have inspired both a tantrum from Adam Sandler (Big Daddy) and gunplay from Michael Douglas (Falling Down), and that's just the Hollywood response. God only knows what sort of 10:31 mayhem has ensued in the real world.
Clearly, fast-food breakfast can be prepared beyond McDonald's traditional time frame. Jack in the Box offers its full menu 24/7, which means my wife can get her French toast sticks for dinner and I can grab an Extreme Sausage Sandwich after a midnight show. Sonic serves Toaster sandwiches and tater tots all day, and Del Taco runs breakfast from 11 p.m. until 11 a.m.
So why the hard line from McDonald's? I contact corporate headquarters and get the prepared statement from spokeswoman Danya Proud:
"We've got such a great breakfast, but there are operational logistics. I just don't think, given the capacity of the restaurants and the strict quality and safety standards that we strive to uphold, that we could do [all-day breakfast] and still serve the best-quality products that we do today."
UNLV grad James Vance, who owns six area McDonald's, gets a bit more specific. He cites limited grill space as the primary culprit, explaining that he wouldn't feel comfortable cracking eggs on a cooking surface next to burgers. Fair enough, but McDonald's routinely grills chicken and fish alongside burgers. If old-school mom-and-pop diners can find a way to serve breakfast at night, surely McDonald's can.
Interestingly, Vance says that he hears as many gripes from customers who want lunch before 10:30 as from folks who want breakfast afterwards. "Construction workers are up at 4 a.m., so by 9 they're ready for a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese," he explains. "I hear it every day."
Though our food cravings might be diametrically opposed, I propose a union between those early-morning burger piners and us all-day breakfast dreamers. Perhaps together we can dislodge McDonald's from its intractable position, convince them to expand their preparation area and—gasp!—install small secondary grills.
Until that glorious day arrives I'll continue biting my tongue and playing by their rules, as any true McMuffin junkie must. But if you see me speeding toward you around 10:25, clear out of my way.