I got shellacked.
The multiple-choice test covers General Info, Weddings, Transportation, Shopping, Outlying Territory, Golf, Gaming, Entertainment, Dining and Attractions and Activities. In the interest of full disclosure which seems so popular these days, I'll tell you that the only one I aced was Entertainment—and thank Wayne Newton for that, since I was the Weekly's arts and entertainment editor for two and a half years and am now associate editor in charge of our nightlife coverage. It was the only category in which I didn't have to guess, though again in the interest of full disclosure, I'm not sure if it's a point of personal pride that I know Celine is at Caesars and Thunder From Down Under is at the Excalibur.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. First up was Attractions and Activities, in which I scored 80 percent.
Even though I've been to Red Rock, I couldn't remember how much the entrance fee was. Maybe it was because my wife and I were taking an out-of-towner there on our one and only visit. Maybe it's because I consider hiking to be one of those things people do when there aren't any cabs around. It took two guesses to arrive at $5. I was luckier guessing the name of Circus Circus' roller coaster (Canyon Blaster), that there's some sort of museum called Shelby American in town and that there's a miniature train ride and 1800s melodrama at Bonnie Springs Ranch, which also is home to a summer theater program (that took two guesses). On the plus side of the books, I found a mistake when the LVCVA listed Bikinis as still open. I also knew that there aren't any snake exhibits in Vegas, although ladies out on the dating scene might disagree.
The other categories where my presumed omniscience only came up to 80 percent were Shopping, Dining and, most embarrassing of all, General Information. A process of elimination taught me that the National Finals Rodeo is held in December, that the e-mail address for reaching the LVCVA's tourism experts is [email protected] (which if it had an extra "t” would sound dirty) and that the Strip's largest shopping destination is the Fashion Show Mall.
So much for the good news.
The bad news (at least for my ego): I scored a miserable 50 percent on Gaming, Outlying Territory, Golf and Weddings. To be fair, I really don't gamble except for penny slots while waiting for visiting friends at the tables, I've barely ventured outside of town, I haven't played golf for years and I've only gotten married once and that was in California (and it must've worked out since I still am). Since you need to score 100 percent to move on to the next segment of the test, this meant a steady stream of guesses, some educated but most not.
And before that smirk of yours gets any wider, did you know:
That Primm not only has 24-hour gaming but is 90 miles away from here?
That Laughlin has a Ramada Express?
That Nevada's gaming revenue exceeded $1 billion in 1975?
That Angel Park Golf Club has an 18-hole putting course that must be guaranteed to raise your blood pressure past that billion-dollar mark?
Or that more than 200,000 couples get marriage licenses each year here (now only between the hours of 8 a.m. and midnight)?
Yeah, I thought not.
My worst-scoring segment was Transportation. If there had been questions about sneaky ways to get around the Strip without actually being on the Strip, I know I'd have done better than my first score of 30 percent. The only question I knew the answer to was the name of Vegas' public transit system, or lack thereof. I managed to correctly guess on the first try that there are 305 CAT buses and 49 routes, that five to 11 companies offer air tours, and ... and that was it. I knew McCarran was busy, just not how busy (1,000-plus flights daily on average). I knew we've got a lot of cabs, just not how many (more than 10 companies). And I figured rental cars had to be dropped off somewhere (just not on Rent-A-Car Road, because if there ever was a possible answer that screamed "trick,” that was it).
I logged off from the test humbled, and yet also intrigued. It's easy for anyone to get cocooned into a comfortable space. It happens in bigger cities than this, where people essentially live their lives within a 10- or 20-block radius. And it even happened to me, when my very job demands that I go out more times in one week than some people do in a month. The Vegas Certified test proved that I am far from being Vegas Certified, and it also proved that there's a lot in this rollicking, brawling town that I'm missing out on. An 1800s melodrama at Bonnie Springs? Count me in. An 18-hole putting course? Sounds like a great way for someone with my poor skills to spend an entire day. But I'm not going back to hike Red Rock Canyon until someone puts in a martini bar.
Even ignorant folks like me have to have some limits.