NOISE

You're broke. You didn't jump on tickets fast enough and now they're sold out. You're legally barred from crossing state lines. Whatever the reason, you're not going to Coachella. But fear not, thanks to a jam-packed weekend (featuring a few bands playing Vegas the same weekend as their festival gigs), you can now do Coachella right here in Las Vegas.

You're the star!

What happens next in the story? It all depends on the choices you make. How does the story end? Only you can find out! And the best part is that you can keep reading and re-reading until you've had not one but many incredibly daring experiences!

It's Wednesday evening; you're driving past the Wynn's golden-mirrored exterior. Catching your reflection, you notice you are ...

A) A young, vibrant, fun-loving specimen ready to make this the best weekend ever!
Proceed to number 1.

B) Old.
Proceed to number 2.

1. Man, you are looking good today. But then again, you always do. You are especially pleased with the way your iPod matches ...

A) Your cardigan and Converse sneakers.
Proceed to number 3.

B) Your shadowy, featureless black form.
Proceed to number 4.

2. You go home, eat oatmeal and nap. Some time during the next few years you die.
The end.

3. You get your dance-punk on at
The Rapture show (April 25, 7 p.m., $15. House of Blues, 632-7600). The next evening you want to go out again, but you're feeling a little sullen. You attribute this to the fact that ...

A) Your meds have run out and you haven't gotten laid in a long time.
Proceed to number 5.

B) You are French.
Proceed to number 6.

4. You are an iPod poster. You are not human; therefore you cannot attend concerts.
The end.

5. You attend a show by omnisexual, excess-glorifying trio
Placebo (April 26, 7:30 p.m., $22. House of Blues, 632-7600). You feel much better.
Proceed to number 7.

6. You attend a performance by indietronic duo
Air (April 26, 8 p.m., $29.50-$56.50. The Joint, 693-5000). You feel much better.
Proceed to number 7.

7. The next day you get the urge to do a little whaling. Subsequently, you ...

A) Go whaling. Unfortunately, a stingray harpoons you through the heart and you die.
The end.

B) Check out briny-brained narrative kings
The Decemberists (April 27, 7:30 p.m., $22. House of Blues, 632-7600).
Proceed to number 8.

8. Whew! You've been amped up on music for three days straight! In order to keep going, you decide to ...

A) Do meth. Unfortunately, you OD and die.
The end.

B) Get your Irie up and blood pumping with
Stephen Marley's brand of familial roots-reggae (April 28, 7:30 p.m., $20. House of Blues, 632-7600).
The end.

C) Allow bassist Carlos D of '80s-inspired, post-punk four-piece
Interpol (April 28, 8 p.m., $25. The Joint, 693-5000) to revive you with his bizarre style of playing.
The end.

As April 22 is Earth Day, we were going to put together a few songs celebrating the rock we live on (The Slits' "Life on Planet Earth," The Feelies' "The Good Earth" and so on), until we saw Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Now we're thinking we'd better keep our ears open for another planet to inhabit.

1 Royal Trux, "Mercury" (Singles, Live, Unreleased, 1997) "I don't know, but I know that it's hotter than Earth is/I don't know, but I know that it's hotter in the day." Even in July? We'll pass.

2 Yo La Tengo, "Ultra-Powerful Short Wave Radio Picks Up Music From Venus" (Genius + Love = Yo La Tengo, 1996) "It might have been music from Venus that he listened to that night/But I think it was probably the static you hear when your radio's not tuned in right." Drat.

3 T. Rex, "The Ballrooms of Mars" (The Slider, 1972) "Your diamond hands will be stacked with roses and wind and cars ... We'll dance our lives away in the ballrooms of Mars." Now we're getting somewhere. A contender.

4 The Presidents of the United States of America, "Jupiter" (Freaked Out and Small, 2000) "We lost contact with home base/On the dark side of this place/Please send more human race/To fill the empty space." Not sounding particularly homey to us.

5 Stevie Wonder, "Saturn" (Songs in the Key of Life, 1976) "On Saturn people live to be 205/Going back to Saturn where the people smile/Don't need cars 'cause we've learned to fly." Ding ding ding! Sounds like we have a winner.

6 Alien Sex Fiend, "Drive My Rocket (Up Uranus)" (All Our Yesterdays, 1988) "Drive my rocket up Uranus, baby, till it hurts/Drive my rocket ship just a little farther." Um, no.

7 Guided By Voices, "Over the Neptune" (Propeller, 1992) "And hey let's throw the great party/Today and for the rest of our lives/The party's just about to get started/So throw the switch, it's rock and roll time." Hmm ... back-up option in case those pesky Saturn rings mess with our spacecraft.

8 Dead Kennedys, "One-Way Ticket to Pluto" (Bedtime For Democracy, 1986) "Distinguished scientists, a pesky senator and monkey turds leaking from the lab/All brought to us play-by-play by Howard Cosell." Bad news even if it were still considered a legit planet.

Schizophrenic guitars. Chaotic, crotch-punch rhythms. The unintelligible wailings of the Damned. And yet somehow the fifth release by these post-hardcore art punks is their most cohesive and commercial yet.