Good Will Hunting Channel
Is there any more dependable way to create drama on TV than a high-caliber shootout? Will viewers ever tire of the graceful brutality of a lion chasing down a gazelle in slow motion, then eating it for lunch? Put these two boob-tube staples together, and you'll end up with some surefire, action-packed programming, right? Well, not quite.
Welcome to the Outdoor Channel, TV's most surprising source of tranquility. On shows like The Truth About Hunting and Dream Season, rugged-looking good ol' boys and gals put on their camo, load up on ammo, then find a nice, comfy spot in the wilderness to sit in wait for oblivious, slow-moving game to wander into their line of fire. And wait some more. And talk in twangy whispers while waiting.
It would actually be pretty soothing if it weren’t for all the migraine-inducing kazoo-playing. Technically, the kazoos are hunting calls -- whistle-like devices that simulate the bleat of, say, a doe in estrus or the squeal of a young deer in distress. Sponsored by Primo's, a company that manufactures these devices, The Truth About Hunting is ultimately an infomercial of sorts, designed to show how effective its products are.
And based on the footage, they certainly seem to be. As incredibly annoying as the noise these devices make is to humans -- imagine a car alarm having wild sex with a smoke detector -- they are catnip to deer, elk, coyotes, and other fur-lined shooting targets.
Inevitably, a curious buck or coyote shows up, and in remarkably accommodating style, stares serenely at the hunters without moving until they take him out with a single shot. There's no elaborate strategizing, no tracking, no chase, no struggle, no drama -- just pick a spot on a hill, wait, and blam!!!
But as the show's tagline explains, "This ain’t Hollywood, it's the truth!"
The truth gets sort of strange after the kill. Shooting wild game apparently packs as good a rush as a fat line of coke. There's a lot of goofy smiling and breathless exuberance. There's also some surprisingly emotional moments with a decidely post-coital feel. Hunters examine their quarry with great tenderness, cradling cute lifeless heads, affectionately stroking antlers, whispering sweet nothings like "You can't help but respect these guys."
Mmm, was it good for you too, beautiful dead moose?
It doesn't take long to see all sorts of similarly disjunctive moments on the Outdoor Channel, at least if you rely on Ronald McDonald and your local supermarket to obtain all your meat for you. On Dream Season, for example, a couple who've spent the weekend blasting whitetails into wall décor spot a pair of large bucks engaged in a vigorous head-butting session. "I was so worried one of them was going to get hurt," the woman says in retrospect. "I just wanted to jump out there as a mom and say stop doing that."
Apparently, as a mom, it's not as fun to shoot an injured buck as it is to shoot a healthy one! Or something like that. For city-dwelling indoorsmen, the Outdoor Channel may not deliver the kind of drama one might expect from it, but it's full of endlessly intriguing mysteries nonetheless.
A frequent contributor to Las Vegas Weekly, Greg Beato has also written for SPIN, Blender, Reason, Time.com, and many other publications. Email Greg at [email protected]