In 2006 the world of weird monkey science was rocked to its foundations by the devastating explosion of a sickening series of atomic monkey-porn-related sex bomb attacks.
• At Duke University in North Carolina, morally outraged scientists discover that rhesus macaque monkeys will give up "juice rewards" in order to "ogle pictures of female monkeys' bottoms."
• Keepers at a New Orleans zoo show sexually inexperienced female gorillas hardcore ape porn "to encourage them to breed."
• Meanwhile, in Nanjing, China, frigid chimp couple Sai Mi and Ma Ya are shown hot, steamy, all-out, no-holds-barred chimp porn.
• New Orleans is destroyed by God. Nanjing isn't. Go figure.
Once you start looking—and I strongly suggest you don't—monkey porn is everywhere. There are monkey porn videos on YouTube. There's an entire website dedicated to sock-monkey porn (there's even a sock-monkey porn magazine called Pantyhose). And there's shadow puppet monkey porn. For real. Up to this point—I swear by gorilla-porn-hating God almighty—I am not making any of this up. I wish I was.
Listen up, monkey porn isn't even the weirdest porn out there. There's zombie porn—in which 30-year-old Catholic schoolgirls have guilt-free anal sex with zombie dishwasher repairmen. There's faith-based porn (aka "porn again") like the recently completed The Cumming of Jizzus—check bougieman.livejournal.com/151258.html (repeat: I am not making any of this up).
It's gotten to the point where you can type "anything+porn" into Google and you'll get enough hits to indicate that, somewhere out there in the dank shadows of the Internet, there are a million-plus sick individuals frenziedly self-loving to sexed-up images of unicorns, Disney characters, librarians, pirates, soccer players, Star Trek characters and bread. Bread? Oh, hell yes. You want to know how to make Vagina Danishes, Bukkookies and Ejaculaires? Go to www.porn-bread.com.
And now we've got rid of that bunch of perverts, it's time to make the startling prediction that, if current trends continue, all culture will be porn by the year 2017.
Why? One word: evolution.
Just as—in the absence of regular mammals—marsupials filled every evolutionary niche in Australia, so stuff you can masturbate over will inevitably replace stuff that you can't masturbate over. Why? Because stuff that you can masturbate over is better than regular stuff because you can masturbate over it. To use an everyday example: What's best: a bag of delicious Cheetos? Or a bag of Cheetos that taste delicious and give you an orgasm?
Exactly.
Scientists have long complained that the "ascent of man" poster showing homo sapiens standing at the end of a series of increasingly more human-like ape-beasts is a scientifically inaccurate cliché. They are right. To be truly accurate, the man-beasts need to be drawn vigorously pleasuring themselves. Please note, you can now buy "Charles Darwin's Porn Dungeon" T-shirts (www.threadless.com/product/60/Charles_Darwin_s_Porn_Dungeon).
This is how the world ends—not with a whimper, but with a wank.
In closing, some shocking not-made-up monkey fun porn facts!
• In the original 1933 King Kong, the mighty gorilla gently probes an unconscious Fay Wray with his finger and then sniffs it. The censors didn't approve. But news of the cut scene leaked—and monkey porn was born.
• USA, 2007: Riding the zeitgeist, Borat introduces American talk show audiences to Kazakhstan's No. 1 movie star—Johnny the Monkey, "children's entertainer and porn star."
• Australia, 2007: Paris Hilton announces she's stopped sleeping with men, and now shares her bed with her female monkey "friend," Brigitte Bardot.