Local
Crate & Barrel coming to town
Finally grasping the concept that a Las Vegan and his/her money are soon parted, the store that can’t make up its mind whether it’s high brow or low rent is planning to land in Glitter Gulch. Crate & Barrel will open its doors at the Summerlin Centre in Las Vegas in 2009. LasVegasWeekly.com hired a battery of top-drawer retail consultants to weigh the pros and cons of the company’s bold move. “It’s smart,” said one; “It’s really dumb,” said another. But while the experts may be split on this important issue, we don’t need our charts and calculators to grasp this: Shopping at Crate & Barrel is like pretending you can afford really good stuff when you can’t; and that’s the kind of rationalizing -- taken to its pathological extreme -- that Sin City was proudly founded on. Seems like a marriage made in puppy heaven to us.
National
Wolfowitz declares: “I ain’t so bad!”
Long-time pin-up boy of the hawks, Paul Wolfowitz, has begun negotiating the terms of his resignation as president of the World Bank, reports that other news source, The New York Times. Wolfowitz, it seems, is desperate to bow out rather than get the chop, but wants a charge of misconduct against him dropped or “softened.” Which is kind of like stealing a laptop from work, getting busted, and then trying to negotiate a tasty severance package with your boss. You have to hand it to the guy: He’s got a pair on him. In his honor, LasVegasWeekly.com has submitted a plot synopsis to the producers of “South Park.”
Sports
Rocket ready to launch
Roger Clemens’ fashionable lateness has become an annual event of the major league baseball season. The word on the street is that El Rocketo is in fine shape and raring to go, with his first start back being this Friday for the Class A Tampa Yankees on Friday. We caught up with Rog after he’d gone through a session of soft-tossing at the Yanks’ complex in Tampa. “This isn’t about money,” he told LasVegasWeekly.com. “It has absolutely nothing to do with money.” As Clemens departed the complex in a diamond-encrusted gold chariot pushed by George Steinbrenner, we learned that Pinocchio is filing suit against the megastar pitcher for copyright infringement.
Gossip
Usmagazine.com is reporting that Courtney Love insists that she’s been asked to become a regular on “American Idol.” Says Love: “He [Nigel Lythgoe] called. He was wondering if I was interested. It’s kind of weird but brilliant.” We beg to differ: it’s logical and obvious. According to our hefty staff of entertainment pundits, the psychotic Love will be a perfect fit alongside the other shamsters on TV’s all-time most over-hyped talent quest. Her BS will dovetail perfectly with that of her co-hosts and take us all into a whole new dimension of vacuousness. It will also make it easier to rub out more nitwits with one well-planned suicide attack. Not that we’d ever seriously entertain such a notion, of course.
Footnote: It would seem that now all Nige Boy has to do is get George W. to sign on the dotted line once he’s finished playing president to have a royal flush of contemptible air-heads.