Club Crystal
I think everyone’s probably aware the mega powerful “Pure Management Group” has launched its newest asset, LAX. I missed the opening weekend hoopla, but I did happen to catch an article on the space.
Boasting an appeal that’s projected to make it even more desirable than PURE Nightclub, LAX is so exclusive there’s actually a club inside the club for the ultra swank VIPs, known as Noir Bar. So, basically, if you’re not a celebrity, a millionaire, or well known Vegas industry exec expect to stand in a PUREesque mob of highly wound, probably slightly intoxicated tourists for an hour. And once/if you finally make it past the velvet ropes of LAX you’ll be reminded exactly where you belong – outside the velvet ropes. Of Noir Bar.
Tourists astonish me. If you were to say that my vacation would consist of dropping copious amounts of cash, waiting an hour for any kind of nightlife experience, being treated like a nobody once I got there, and then being packed inside so tight that my shirt’s legitimate color scheme is “Vodka/Redbull” I’d tell you to F yourself. These clubs must seriously have the E! Channel and VH1 on retainer. As someone fairly new to Vegas (one year now) I can honestly say I’ve never seen a product with so much publicity that didn’t deliver and sold like it did. If you’re not dialed into the Vegas scene, try pulling a fire alarm in a crowded building, the experience will be similar. And you’ll save more money. But that’s just my opinion and, luckily, no one cares what I have to say. America is one big glutton for punishment and that makes my world go ‘round. Bring your tourists. Fill my clubs. Come to my events. Keep doing what you do, America, because it keeps me doing what I do. In fact, let me step it up a notch. Debuting Summer ’08, I present to you America’s latest nonsensical fad: Club Crystal.
Club Crystal will be one hot piece of real estate, located on the top floor of the new Trump Tower. Club Crystal is such a sophisticated nightspot that all guest lists are actually handled by The Donald, himself. The cover here is $60 – and that just covers your right to stand in line. And forget about Noir Bar. You want exclusive? Try beating a club that NO one can get into. That’s exclusive. Every night of the week the question on everyone’s mind will be, “can I make it in today?” Some nights we won’t even open. And none of you will ever be the wiser. Other nights, we only allow train wreck celebrities and bad attitudes. Scandalous photographs will start to circulate of things you could never imagine. We’re over Lindsay Lohan. Did you hear Katie Holmes got busted for possession in Club Crystal? Yeah baby. And we’re going to ride the curtails of her fabulous demise all the way down that shiny, diamond encrusted drain.
Club Crystal welcomes you.
Make sure to check back for next month’s events.
Torturous Tuesdays
Featuring celebrities trying to break into industries they should stay the hell away from W/ resident vocalist Paris Hilton
Double Cover Wednesdays
No Frills Fridays
Just you and 3,000 other tourists vying for a place at the bar!
Subterfuge Saturdays
Sin Sundays
$60 for men; women - $10 per article of clothing
Precocious entrepreneur, workaholic and a rabid perfectionist Crystal Starlight knows a thing or two about getting ahead at a young age. Email her at [email protected]