By Jack Colton and Xania Woodman + Illustrations by Meg Hunt
20 things not to say to …
… the bartender:
All we know is that if you want some of what they have, you had damn well better be nice to them.
“Hey barkeep, can I get a drink over here or what? I’m pregnant, and my feet are killing me!”
“Whoa, how much? Sheesh! She better put out!”
“Can I have a … uhh … oh, gosh, let me see now … ummmmmm …”
“Raaahhhrhrrrrr bliggity blah blah, could I ghheet anothurrr drank?”
“You wanna top me off?”
“Sooooo, what time you get off work?”
“Lemme get four—you might want to write this down…”
… the bathroom attendant:
Peeing is never just peeing when someone gleefully welcomes you to do it in one of their fine stalls, and then, when you least expect it, performs a spinning hand-towel trick while simultaneously offering you an assortment of first-rate breath mints, perfumes and cigarettes. But do be careful not to piss them off, or you might find yourself in a truly crappy situation!
“Would you mind holding my drink while I puke?”
“Do you have anything for feminine itching?”
“Hey bro, you wanna zip that up for me?”
“Thanks, man. Let me take care of you real quick. Do you have change for a dollar?”
“Whoa! That one was silent but deadly!”
… the door host:
They are the true gatekeepers, standing tall between you and the rest of your night, easily able to prevent you from getting laid, joining your friends and meeting new ones. They can even make you wait in line until you can see everyone leaving the club drunk and happy. Fear them, respect them, but, whatever you do, don’t make them angry.
Video: 11 Things you should never say to the DJ
“You don’t know who I am! I own the place, I’ll have your job, and I have more money than God on a good day!”
“Sweet, it worked!” (After your ID is handed back to you.)
“I just want to run in to get my friend real quick.”
“Gawd, I never wait in line ...”
“I don’t want to carry this giant, sticky, plastic souvenir margarita-by-the-yard glass around all night, but I just can’t bring myself to throw it away. Can I leave it by your podium and pick it up later?”
… the cocktail server:
Sure, they are fun to look at, they can be an absolute delight to talk to from time to time, and Vegas is a few degrees hotter thanks to them, but if you don’t want to find yourself walking around holding a warm, empty cup all night long, we strongly recommend that you avoid:
“Whoa! That one was silent but deadly!” (Okay, so we used that one above, but this one seems to cross all boundaries.)
“Hey sugartits, ever been motorboating?”
“Damn! Those are huge! How much did they cost?!” (Poking them for emphasis ...)
11 things not to say to a DJ
Inspired by an e-mail rant from Vegas DJ Michael Toast. (See Toast’s rant come to life in Xania’s Clubinar)
1.
“Hey DJ, play something good, man! Something we can dance to!”
The DJ is here to play for more than one person, so what you hate might be someone else’s all-time favorite song. Everything played here can be danced to one way or another, so be patient and give the DJ a chance. This is supposed to be fun, remember?
2.
“Play something with a beat!”
Get real, pal. There isn’t a song out there that doesn’t have some kind of a beat. Close your eyes and find it!
3.
“Hey, so, like, I dunno who sings it, and I don’t know the name of the song, but it goes like this …”
Please, don’t sing for the DJ. He already has to put up with smoke and dangerous decibel levels all night long. Do him a favor and refrain from that rendition of your favorite song, however good you might think you are.
4.
“C’mon man, everybody wants to hear it. It’s my jam!”
Sure. You polled the whole club and everyone wants to hear your song. And as their spokesman, you’re requesting it on their behalf. If you want to be a true hero, go back to the dance floor and distract the girl who’s trying to cock-block your roommate.
5.
“Dude, if you play this song, I think I could get laid!”
Not to be judgmental or anything, but if the song’s that good, why settle for one night? Why not buy the album and get laid for a whole month!?
6.
“Well, what do you have?”
First off, never touch another man’s woman, and never touch a DJ’s rig. That equipment costs more than your car, no matter what you’re driving. Now, why don’t you go have another Long Island Iced Tea and figure out what you want to hear, rather than ask the DJ to name every song in his repertoire? DJ Michael Toast, for example, travels with 750 gigs of music. That’s four months of music with no repeats. So, think carefully, Mr. Pushy.
7.
“I wanna hear it nooooooooow!”
Uh-uh. The only people who can get away with this statement write the DJ’s paychecks. Or have given birth to the DJ. Be kind, don’t whine.
8.
“Hey man, nobody can dance to this!"
Hey man, it’s really not cool to say this while the dance floor is clearly and visibly packed. If what you mean to say is “I can’t dance to this,” then you are way outnumbered.
9.
“Why don’t you play some ‘booty music’?”
Hold it there, guy. Any song that’s ever made an ass shake is considered “booty music” these days. Do you want something to make you shake your booty, or do you want some Miami-style old-school like Luke and 2 Live Crew? Because that’s proper booty music. For the DJ’s sake, know your genres, or at least be able to name a song.
10.
“Could you play it soon, ’cause we’re leaving …?”
Let’s consider this from a business standpoint. If you’re going to leave right after the DJ plays it, why shouldn’t he wait until the very last song so that you stay all night?
Things that make you go hmmm…
11.
“So, you think maybe Mr. Abraham Lincoln might help you to play the song, my friend?”
Most DJs don’t mind requests, because they’re here for the people. But please, be cool about it. Tipping is not required, but five bucks is just an insult to most DJs. Be prepared to offer at least a Jackson (that’s a $20) if you don’t want to ruin the vibe. Bear in mind, money won’t get you very far if you’ve requested a bad song. And screaming “This DJ sucks!” will only get you a one-way ticket to the exit and beyond.
In short, give your DJ a chance to take you on a journey. DJ Michael Toast puts it best: “We don’t (come to your job and) try to take the squeegee out of your hands, or flip your burger, or close your deals. I’m sure you can make one hell of an iTunes play list, but this is what I do for a living!”
Jack Colton is a contributor to the Weekly’s nightlife section. Xania Woodman is the Weekly’s nightlife editor.