Buffalo Wild Wings is all about two things: wings and sports. The latter is evident the moment you walk in the door, the former even before that—as soon as you get out of your car, the scent of wings soaked in any of 14 sauces makes you salivate like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
I do my best to keep from drooling as I approach the Warm Springs and Las Vegas Boulevard location, the newest BWW of nine scattered throughout the valley. Their sauces cover the entire spiciness spectrum, from smilin’ to sizzlin’ to screamin’. On my last visit, I sampled their Caribbean Jerk sauce, which was a whole five sauces away from the screamin’-est sauce on the scale. The first bite still put my mouth in a burn ward, but before I knew it, I had emptied my plate anyway. Fortunately, BWW also offers a rum and vodka Caribbean Martini antidote, which dulled the pain.
Inside, I’m surrounded by those whose stomachs feast on wings, their eyes on sports. Countless big-screen TVs display just about every sport presently played on Earth. What little wall space there is not covered in plasma is covered in banners celebrating the Packers, the Lakers, the Dodgers and every other team ending in “-ers.” But I’m here to witness the one sport not broadcast on any of the TVs, the oldest sport of all, a sport that has governed many of history’s most important decisions and elections and settled more arguments than any other form of arbitration.
Rock. Paper. Scissors.
The final Las Vegas qualifier for the United States of America Rock, Paper, Scissors (or USARPS) League national competition is a modest affair—fewer than a dozen … um, athletes gather in a small corner of the bar. The Bud Light-sponsored event, which began at BWW here in Vegas five years ago, is now exclusively held at BWW locations across the country. The original grand prize was a Bud Light surfboard, but this year, in honor of the 25th anniversaries of both Bud Light and BWW, the victor will walk away with $50,000—one of the largest sums that anyone has ever received for three hand gestures.
Two women—one with glasses, one without—take their places on either side of a small table and ready themselves for hand-to-hand combat. The referee interrupts them, instructing them to read the USARPS oath first.
“Are you serious?” one of the competitors asks.
Looking somewhat embarrassed, the two women begin to read aloud from the sheet on the table.
“I know that RPS belongs to no man or woman and was created before recorded history …”
Since I’m pretty sure scissors were created sometime in the span of recorded history, the first statement leaves me dubious.
“… And as I prepare to battle and engage my worthy and respected opponent, I honor the RPS players that came before me. I recognize the rules and regulations of the USARPS League as the governing body of this sport and yield to the authority of its referees and officials. Ro-sham-bo-SHOOT!”
And with that, they begin. “Ro-sham-bo-SHOOT!” they chant. “Glasses” wins the first throw with rock, loses the second with paper and wins the round with scissors. The best of three throws wins the round, and the best of three rounds wins the turn and moves on. Within 30 seconds, the turn is over, and I quickly discover that that’s a slow turn. The next two guys, one with a cigarette behind his ear and the other in an A’s cap, are done in less than 20 seconds, so fast that the ref has to stop them for a moment in order to keep track of who threw what.
The next two competitors are actually married. Oooooh, drama! Fifteen seconds of drama, to be exact. Two quick rounds and husband has vanquished wife. But it was riveting while it lasted. After a few more turns, I learn that a victor has already been declared.
“What? Who?” I ask. This competition is in desperate need of an announcer. It turns out that the aforementioned husband, Ted Uits, wound up winning overall, and the losers of previous turns are now competing for the alternate position. When did Ro-sham-bo get so complicated?
April Bonar (“Glasses”) wins the alternate position, and now the two will move on to the national finals at Mandalay Bay in June. The whole contest took less than 20 minutes, just enough time to work up an appetite. Rock may beat scissors, and scissors may beat paper, and paper may beat rock, but wings beat all three. And I’m craving some of that Caribbean Jerk sauce.
Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar
7430 Las Vegas Blvd. S.
263-6925