Whom does God want you to vote for? And why doesn’t he tell us by nobbling the candidates he dislikes with facial sores or cock-noses and such? Or have great geysers of tiny, two-headed frogs and foul-smelling pus come projectile-vomiting out of their mouths every time they tell a satanic fib?
Because God’s subtle. He’s so over that old-school Old Testament punk-rock pyrotechnic blowing shit up and smashing his ax into a bank of blazing speakers and then cutting his face open by head-butting the f--kin’ drum kit to smithereens shit. Nah, God 2.0 is laid back and groovy, wearing brown corduroy strides and strumming an acoustic guitar with a smug shit-eating grin on stage at the World Cafe Live, man.
The old God was like Jack Bauer in 24, killing and torturing people willy-nilly while teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown. The new God is more like the terrorist mastermind who only gets exposed in the last episode—a cosmic bin Laden pulling the strings. And that’s why he inspired his servants at Frontline Books to publish Make Your Vote Count—What the Bible Says About 25 Key Political Issues.
The good news: All that stuff Jesus (aka God in disguise) said about rich people going to hell unless they gave all their money to the poor—total bollocks, according to this book. Ditto all that stuff about it being easier to squeeze a camel through an eye of a needle than it is for a Republican to escape hell. Yep, turns out the Gospels are one big commie lie.
As you can probably tell, I too have been taken over by the Holy Ghost—the spook that detaches itself from the mother-God and possesses people—and this cosmic Casper has ordered me to pass on to you exactly what God thinks about the hot political issues of the day.
Immigration: This is America, please speak in tongues.
Foreign aid: Bill Clinton gave your tax dollars to third-world abortion whores.
Gays: The big surprise here is God hates them because he’s worried about “a present-day Sodom and Gomorrah scene in which children watch a Gay Parade in San Francisco featuring nude men wearing only chains marching along city streets whipping each other.” Is it just me or do you also suspect that line was written with an erection?
Abortion: God hates abortion despite not mentioning it even once in the Bible because he was busy genociding entire races and saying it was okay to rape children and stuff.
Guns: Yay guns!
Heck, we’re out of space. Just vote Republican, okay?