By Nick Divito
Oh, you theatrical neophytes. We love that you’re discovering all the theatrical options on the Strip. Really, we do. But we’ve been watching you, and we’re not pleased.
It’s not that you’re a bad audience, necessarily, but we did notice certain behaviors that need rectifying. We understand that you might be new to the theat-ah, so we wanted to offer some pointers to help you (but mostly us) have an enjoyable theatrical experience.
Be on time. We know, sometimes it’s not your fault. Inconsistent show times (some start at 7, some 7:30, others 10), unexpected traffic, the many distractions (like cocktails and winning at the roulette wheel)—those are all valid excuses. But too many of you are straggling in 10, 20, even 30 minutes late. We can’t help but laugh at you for being an idiot, since we know you paid good money for your seats, and you just missed the opening number. So plan ahead.
Turn off your cell phone. During a recent performance of a particular show, we spotted a young man whip out his cell phone and make a call. Absolutely unacceptable. Additionally, pulling out your cell phone forces the ushers to rush down the aisle to make sure you’re not taking pictures with your camera-phone. Again, that is distracting. Also, please stop text-messaging during the show. We understand the urge to “OMG” your mom to tell her you’re at the theater, but please, wait until after the show.
Clap. We understand that the cocktail in your hand makes it hard to clap at the end of a production number. We suggest placing the glass between your legs. That will free up your hands and allow you to show your appreciation for the hard-working actors on stage. We’ve also noticed you’re having a hard time knowing when to clap. A hint: Wait until the song or scene is over. (And a side note about that cocktail: Please, order something that doesn’t come with ice. The rattling of the cubes is distracting.)
Get out. We noticed at a recent performance that many of you just get out of your seats and wander the aisles after the show. This makes it difficult for your fellow audience members to exit. We suggest you wait for the row in front of you to empty, then step into the aisle and depart in an orderly fashion.
To put it bluntly: Behave like a normal audience, you bunch of heathens! Oh, and enjoy the show.