Caffeinated Comparisons

Ooh! Ooh! Drink ‘em all at the same time!
C. Moon Reed

It’s a Friday night. You just got off a 60-hour work week. You’re in Vegas, and you gotta party! But sleep is beckoning … So which magic potion best tricks your body into wakefulness? Here’s the breakdown. You decide.

Red Bull Energy Drink

Size: 8.4 oz.

Calories: 110

Caffeine: 80 mg

Color: Yellow with a tint of green

Ingredients: Taurine, B vitamins, glucuronolactone

Flavor: Naked without vodka

Cool Factor: Bottle-service chic

Trivia: Was banned in France for 12 years

Warning Label: None

Rockstar Energy Drink

Size: 16 oz.

Calories: 280

Caffeine: 160 mg

Color: Neon urine

Ingredients: Guarana, ginkgo, ginseng, milk thistle

Flavor: Grows on you when it’s done burning out your taste buds

Cool Factor: Cool, if you’re an adolescent male/aspiring BMX biker

Trivia: Based in Las Vegas

Warning Label: “Not recommended for children, nursing women or those sensitive to caffeine”

Monster Energy

Size: 16 oz.

Calories: 200

Caffeine: Proprietary information

Color: Deep peach

Ingredients: L-carnitine, taurine, ginseng, B vitamins

Flavor: Electric orange sherbet

Cool Factor: Same adolescent boy/BMX biker target group as Rockstar

Trivia: Join the “Monster Army” and you’ll see

Warning Label: “Limit 3 cans per day. Not recommended for children, pregnant women or people sensitive to caffeine”

Go Girl Sugar Free Energy Drink

Size: 12 oz.

Calories: Less than 5

Caffeine: 150 mg

Color: My Little Pony pink

Ingredients: Taurine, B vitamins, super citrimax (“a mild herbal appetite suppressant”)

Flavor: Demonic fruit punch

Cool Factor: Uncool, unless you’re on a breast-cancer walk.

Trivia: “Portion of proceeds donated to breast cancer research”

Warning Label: “Not recommended for children, pregnant women or those sensitive to caffeine”

Plain Coffee

Size: 8 oz.

Calories: 0

Caffeine: 80-175 mg

Color: Black

Ingredients: Coffee, water

Flavor: Tastes like coffee

Cool Factor: Neutral

Trivia: You can make this yourself at home

Warning Label: None

5-Hour Energy

Size: 2 oz.

Calories: 4

Caffeine: “Contains caffeine comparable to a cup of leading premium coffee”

Color: Clear with a tint of pink

Ingredients: Taurine, glucuronolactone, malic acid, N-acetyl, L-tyrosine, L-phenylaline, caffeine, citicoline

Flavor: A chalky combo of diluted NutraSweet and Pop Rocks

Cool Factor: Invisible

Trivia: Made my friend puke the next day when she drank too many

Warning Label: “Do not exceed two bottles daily, consumed several hours apart. Use or discard any remainder within 72 hours after opening. You may experience a Niacin Flush (hot feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. This is caused by increased blood flow near the skin. Do not take if you are pregnant or nursing or under 12 years of age.”


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