These men are American heroes. They didn’t run a 10K for cancer research or rescue a puppy from a frozen stream. They had a drink at every single PT’s Tavern in the Valley in two days—all 34 of ’em.

I met Platt, Matt and Jon at their stop No. 6, the PT’s on Decatur at Charleston. They walked into the bar wearing yellow “This is F’n Crazy PT’s Pub Crawl” T-shirts and carrying a “Mega PT’s Run Pub Crawl” scoreboard, which they used to keep track of waitresses and their marital statuses.

I asked Platt, the big guy, why he’d embarked on this journey. He answered my question with two of his own: “Why did Edmund Hillary climb Mount Everest? Why did Roger Bannister run a four-minute mile?”

Platt, Matt and Jon follow in the footsteps and bicycle tracks of fellow beverage enthusiast (and Colbert Report writer) Mark Malkoff, who visited every single Manhattan Starbucks in one day in 2007. There were 171 Starbucks in Manhattan during Malkoff’s mission, and unlike PT’s, they aren’t open 24 hours a day. On the other hand, Starbucks doesn’t serve alcohol.

The PT’s guys drank at every single stop (except for Matt, the designated driver, who only imbibed at every fourth PT’s). They had Buds, Coors Lights, Coronas, Miller Lites, Heinekens, Negro Modelos, PBRs, Fat Tires, Guinnesses, Steinlagers, Woodchuck Pear Ciders, MGDs, Bud Lights, Peronis, Newcastles, Sam Adams Winterfests, Miller High Lifes, Screwdrivers, Jack & Cokes, 7&7s, Zwacks, Melon Balls, JW Red & Sodas, Grand Marniers, Tequila Sunrises, Tanqueray & Tonics, Malibu & Pineapples, White Russians, Berry Blasts, Harvey Wallbangers, Tuacas, Absolut Citron & Red Bulls, Rob Roys, and Maker’s Mark Manhattans. Yet, even with all those cocktails inside them, the trio was able to spot the subtle differences between PT’s pubs. For them, they’re like snowflakes:

“Each PT’s is unique,” Matt explains. “The ones by UNLV cater to college kids, with pool tables and beer pong tables, and the one near Sunset has that nice open patio, and the newer ones have lounge areas with fireplaces. This one we’re in right now has the best sound system.”

I checked back in with Platt, Matt and Jon the following night. They had completed their quest. When asked about plans for his future, Platt said this: “I’m going to meet Lindsay Lohan in rehab. We’ll fall in love, move to Utah and raise our six children together.”

Godspeed, gentlemen.