On the proverbial Morning After, you wake up feeling satiated and stung by varying degrees of guilt. But instead of reaching for a cigarette, you need Tums. It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and the only thing that can save you from a winter of flabby flesh shamefully hidden under sweats is exercise.
What, you don’t like to exercise?
That’s because you’ve never gotten creative. Try any or all of these inane, insane ideas, and you’ll never need a treadmill again.
Town Square traverse:
It’s shopping season. Hit Town Square and plan to literally shop ‘til you drop. Follow the route below for minimum efficiency and maximum aerobic workout:
Start off perusing the bookshelves at Borders, then head over to H&M for a trendy scarf. Yes, there are tons of stores in between, but no window shopping. This is a workout after all, pump those arms!
After H&M, try on a ton of monochromatic dresses at White House/Black Market, but leave them in the dressing room. Run over to Blue Martini (you’re taking the stairs), and break for some sustenance. Then it’s back to the shopping. Check out the latest got-to-have-it gadgets at the Apple Store. Fight off teenyboppers at Hollister, and sample perfume at Sephora. Grab a smoothie at Whole Foods then stroll back to Rave Theaters, where you can cool down while watching one of the many holiday flicks.
Run from the po-po:
Every year, there is a Black Friday of-the-moment item that everyone and their mother wants for Christmas. People wait in line for hours and pay exorbitant sums of money. Grown men fight. Mothers cry. If, come Christmas, a child doesn’t unwrap the coveted object, he may end up permanently traumatized. To avoid all of this unhealthy stress and save time and money, why not simply walk up and take the item and walk out with it? You will soon find yourself running from the cops, which is bound to be a cardio workout extraordinaire.
Strip (verb, not noun):
This may not seem like a plausible or dignified way to lose weight, but in Las Vegas, stripping is highly accessible to the public. Stripper 101 is offered daily at the V Theaters inside Planet Hollywood for just $40 and the price of your dignity.
You’ll learn how to give lap dances and pole dance (both a lot harder and a lot more fun than they look), and have a blast dancing to Top 40 music with your instructor, the kind-as-a-kindergarten-teacher Kindra. An ex-stripper with the proverbial heart of gold and a gift for making you feel like, despite cellulite, you’re hot enough to melt steel, Kindra will help you burn calories while learning a few new tricks to bust out on your special someone.
If you feel that Stripper 101 is a little too tame, try amateur night at one of the strip clubs around town. You may win cash—just be prepared to duck under the bar if you see someone you know.
Take a vacation:
We know, you can’t afford a vacation and you can’t get time off. Well, it’s time to use your imagination. Pack a bag and go to McCarran International Airport. Check the departures screen for your dream destination. Visit the newsstand shop for a magazine and overpriced water, wait in long lines and chat it up with your fellow travelers (ever see The Terminal with Tom Hanks? An airport is like a resort or mini-city!). Since these are no longer the good ol’ days, you’ll be stopped way before you get to the gate, but you can wander around and people watch, all while toting your heavy duffel bag or rolling suitcase. Okay, watching other people leave for Hawaii while you’re stuck here would really suck. But dragging that suitcase around is always great exercise.
Get a friend and go to Caesar’s Palace. Using your cell phones as walkie talkies, start on opposite ends of Caesar’s Palace (it’s as big as Vatican City), and try to get to certain destinations before your friend does. Race to the David statue (you can’t miss it, it’s the one with the big dick), the talking statues in the Forum Shops, the fountain by the front lobby, the giant piano on the third level of F.A.O Schwartz, the Colosseum, Cheesecake Factory, The Garden of the Gods pool oasis, the Neil Leifer gallery, the wedding chapel, Pure or Shadow Bar.
All the while pretend you’re on a secret agent-style mission. If you have a group of people you can play inside any casino (as long as security doesn’t find out). Try capture the flag, scavenger hunt, mafia, sardines, manhunt or CSI: Las Vegas.
Dance Dance Revolution:
When it’s cold outside, everyone just wants to stay at home and watch movies. Here is a way to burn calories while you watch: pop in a movie with dance scenes in it, like Dirty Dancing, Newsies, Flashdance, Save the Last Dance, Stomp the Yard, Bring it On, Step Up, then try to do the dance moves. Laughing burns calories too.
Hit the karaoke circuit. There are tons of karaoke bars all over the city, from Arizona Charlie’s on Decatur to Buck’s Tavern on Nellis to Calico Jack’s on W. Charleston to Downstairs Bar on S. Eastern to JJ’s on S. Water Street. A lot of driving is involved, but this is barhopping with a twist and is bound to be an unforgettable good time.
Just standing on stage alone with a mic in front of a room full of strangers and having to sing will be enough to make you sweat buckets. You can have a drink or two to calm your nerves, but not too much: you are supposed to be losing calories, not imbibing them!
Run up and down the stairs in a casino parking garage. Do laps at the heated, Olympic-sized open year-round hotel pools (Bellagio, Luxor, Golden Nugget, MGM Grand, Paris, Rio, Venetian). Park up in Seven Hills or somewhere with a great view of the city and make out (or more) in a parked car. Ice skate at Lake Las Vegas. Sweat in the LVAC sauna. Go sledding at Mt. Charleston. Participate in the Santa Run. Mosh at a punk-rock concert. Dance like nobody’s watching at a Zowie Bowie concert at Red Rock. Walk from the Bellagio to the Stratosphere. Climb trees at Sunset Park. Go salsa dancing at Southpoint (class at 9 p.m. on Thursday). Play tag or hide and go seek at a mall or park. Pile on all your snow clothes like you’re going boarding and then ride a shopping cart around Wal-Mart.