1. You can finally use math for the first time since you were in school, when you calculate how many teams make it to the Sweet 16. (Hint: Sweet 16.)
2. Same with Geography: North Carolina, Eastern Tennessee State, Southern California, and Western Kentucky. Feel free to point them out on a map as you read their names, for better long-term memorization.
3. Hey, at least it’s not a reality show!
4. The guy in your office won’t stop talking about his alma mater Portland State making the tournament. Remind him they’re a 13 seed and will probably lose immediately, just to bring him down to Earth.
5. You can annoy your friends over and over by saying things like, “Oh man, that play was so Rad” when referring to the school Radford, or “those tricky Mormons…” after each point BYU scores. Everyone will hate you.
6. When the tournament is over you can call in sick with a case of “Madness. March Madness”. Your boss will not think it’s cute, and dock your pay.
7. Two words: Erin Andrews.
8. Everyone in your office pool will be watching the games, so you can secretly sneak off and do a bunch of work and become the boss’s go-to guy or gal. Suck it, co-workers!
9. Two more words: Clark Kellogg.
10. You can reenact all of the famous tournament moments at home, like Christian Laettner’ game-winning shot, Mario Chalmers’ game-tying shot, Houston’s last-second buzzer-beater and the lesser-known Chris Paul’s mid-quarter finger-roll in the first round in a blowout victory.
11. 34 year-old Tyler Hansbrough will win MVP of the tournament, when he leads North Carolina to a title and he averages 25 points, 11 rebounds, four blocks, and six not-so-cool white guy dunks a game.
12. The defending champion Kansas Jayhawks will lose in the second round, because they suck and can’t win games. Full disclosure: I went to Kansas State.
13. The school Stephen F. Austin will be referred to by its new nickname “Stone Cold” Stephen F. Austin during the tournament.
14. The first round match-up between Boston College and USC will reignite the East Coast/West Coast feud, and Tupac will be shot again. In Vegas.
15. CBS is starting a new interactive web feature where you can log on and see a minute-by-minute Bruce Pearl “Sweat Watch.” If he makes his entire shirt wet, everyone gets a corndog.
16. More wordplay! Jim Nantz refers to the Jayhawks as being “Self”-ish.
17. You can mute your television, put on some basketball shoes, and squeak your shoes on your floor. Try different rhythms to be cool!
18. The entire town will show up to watch Northern Iowa play in their first-round game. They will be the rowdiest 17 people in the gym.
19. Butler will charge into the final four, and give all the credit to the slogan they started mid-season: “We’re no Butlers, but we’ll definitely serve your ass.”
20. Civil unrest will befall the campus of California-Berkeley, when the local news places a Bear against a Turtle to imitate their match-up, and the bear attacks a cameraman.
21. During each NCAA game, you can calculate how many hours of work you’re not doing. The formula is: (NCAA games watched) – (Importance of job on scale of 1-10) + (Beers drank during tournament) X (Bets made) / (Brackets filled out)
Scoring:
0-8 Model Employee/Non-sports fan. You make the boss proud/happy/sick.
9-16 Average amount of work hours lost during March Madness. Don’t feel bad about it. In fact, have another beer.
17+ You are a paperweight.
22. Remember three-second violations? Me neither!
23. The tournament gives teams like BYU, Utah State and Utah an opportunity to see their first black person.
24. After he publicly humiliated himself in front of a girl he likes because he refused to dance and got embarrassed and ran off, a guy named Robert Morris can finally validate himself to the girl when he shows her the headline “Robert Morris Goes Dancin.’”
25. Villanova realizes the gravity of their first game and decides to defect to Cuba. In their defense, it’s hard to beat a university representing an entire country.
26. In a horrible blunder, CBS will change their “One Shining Moment” montage song to the “We’re Not Gonna Take It” montage by Twisted Sister.*
*This blog was partially edited by a Kansas Jayhawk
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