A&E LISTS: 2003

Don't worry, we'll have the Best Of lists you so thirst for in our next issue. But for now, we thought we'd give our many writers and contributors (we don't know the difference, either) the chance to unload on the year that was with tongue-in-cheek asides, observations and digs.

Best Way Fox Redeemed Itself for The O.C. and Gave a Shot In The Arm to Indie Rock

1. Earlimart, "We Drink on the Job"

2. Death Cab for Cutie, "A Movie Script Ending"

3. The All American Rejects, "Swing Swing"

4. Bright Eyes, "Blue Christmas"

5. The Dandy Warhols, "(You Come In) Burned"

Most Embarrassing Lines from Anti-Iraq War Songs

1. "Now don't get us wrong 'cause we love America / but that's no reason to get hysterica."

"In a World Gone Mad," Beastie Boys single

2. "Who let the cowboy on the saddle? / He don't know a missile from a gavel."

"March of Death," Zack de la Rocha and DJ Shadow single

3. "We're at the crossroads of the human race / Why are we kicking our own ass?"

"We Want Peace" Lenny Kravitz single

Four Albums That Prove White Girls Got Soul

1. Joss Stone,
The Soul Sessions. Sixteen-year-old Brit with teen-star good looks covers Aretha Franklin and The Isley Brothers, reworks The White Stripes. About as far from Brit (Spears) as it gets.


2. Beth Hart,
Leave the Light On. Janis Joplin-style belter overcomes drug addiction, sings about it with heart-wrenching sincerity.


3. Allison Moorer,
Show. Alt-country genius burns up the stage on this live record, with equal parts soul, honky-tonk and gritty rock 'n' roll.

4. Pink,
Try This. The most unpredictable star in pop music is also a brilliant torch singer. Check "Catch Me While I'm Sleeping" for proof.

Best Guilty Pleasures

1. Bad Santa. For everyone who hates Christmas but secretly loves it just a little bit. Wouldn't Santa be much better if he drank, cursed and had nasty sex?


2. The Real Cancun. Failed reality-TV cash-in or Dostoyevskian insight into the human condition? You decide.


3. Willard. Actually, I don't feel guilty about this one at all. A great, little horror film with an eerie performance from Crispin Glover that was unfortunately quickly rat-poisoned at the box office.


4. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. I have never gotten so much grief for giving a movie a good review. This is air-filled, candy-coated fun, and I stand by that assessment.


5. The Rundown. The Rock: Movie star. Stop laughing.

Actors Who Should Take Off the Makeup, Fright Wigs and Rubber Suits, Rejoin the Human Race and Make A Few Decent Pictures

1. Keanu Reeves

2. Laurence Fishburne

3. Sir Ian McKellen

4. Mike Myers

Best Examples of Hollywood Running Out Of Original Ideas And Having To Cannibalize The Past

1. House of 1,000 Corpses. A throwback to '70s gore-fests like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes. And while we're at it, the remake of Chainsaw Massacre.

2. Kill Bill. Take all the chop socky and samurai flicks Tarantino watched when he was a video store clerk and toss 'em in a blender.

3. Freddy vs. Jason. It took 17 movies before anyone came up with the idea of this match-up.

4. Intolerable Cruelty. An updated version of 1930s and '40s screwball comedies (ask your grandparents about them).

5. Open Range. Kevin Costner plays a cowboy—again.

6. Down with Love. A remake of movies that starred a closeted gay and a pet-friendly hotel owner (ask your grandparents, again).

7. 28 Days Later. Unearthing Romero's Living Dead movies and dragging them into the present, with AIDS, bioterrorism, germ warfare, SARS, and anthrax. Who needs zombies?

Top Five Reasons to Let Your Kids Drag You to the Movies

1. Finding Nemo

2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

3. School of Rock

4. Holes

5. They probably didn't know about that fifth Pokemon movie.

Best Things That Distracted Me From Working This Year

1. All-too-brief war of wits with Michael Ian Black

2. www.suicidegirls.com

3. Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, including but not limited to: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021 and The Brak Show. Better than CNN, and more plausible, too.

4. Cuba libres with a dash of bitters. Try it

5. Just about every-f**king thing

Best Awful Things That Happened This Year:

1. Blogger slang: "teh" instead of "the"

2. The Strokes' second album

3. Two crappity Matrix sequels

4. Howard Dean's bared teeth (some dare call it a smile)

5. Bogus name on recent spam: "Froissart Q. Poo"

Best Ways To Be A Casanova, At Least On Your First Date

1. While waiting for your date, order a cocktail or a glass of wine instead of a beer. (Oh, does baby miss his bottle?)

2. If you're having dinner in the same place you're meeting, get there early and ask for the wine list so you can choose the label (and the price, cheapo). You can't ever go wrong with ordering a glass of champagne first, followed by regular wine. Dat's tres classy!

3. When she is talking, don't check out the centerfold model who just walked by.

4. Silverware is easy; just start from the outside in. When you're done, place the fork and knife at 4:20 on the plate. (Unless it's real silver, then place them in your inside jacket pocket.)

5. If she's had too much to drink and won't let you drive her home (drat!), get her a taxi and pay for it. It'll go a long way. Just make sure the cabbie isn't better looking than you.

Reasons I'd Prefer To Work FROM (and Live In, If Possible) Fado Irish Pub:

1. Guinness is your friend—it'll never abandon you or talk badly about you behind your back—and it's always there at Fado, patiently waiting for you.

2. Nice hidden nooks when you just need to be alone with your beer, and wide open spaces when your inner social butterfly (or could it be the Guinness?) tells you to mingle.

3. Typing is ever so much more fun with four or five cold pints of Guinness under one's belt.

4. Each morning, humans are a mere 47 pints of Guinness, 2 glasses of milk and 1 glass of orange juice from fulfilling their daily nutritional requirements.

5. Did I mention my fondness for Guinness?

Top Five Reasons Digital Tony Doesn't Do 9-5

1. Nine? As in 9 a.m.? Isn't that when Drai's usually closes?

2. There isn't a VIP line for the photocopy machine.

3. Cubicles don't come with go-go dancers.

4. They don't serve Grey Goose in the employee cafeteria.

5. There's no chance of discussing method-acting techniques with Paris Hilton in a cubicle.

Best Adaptive Reuse Proposals for A Large, Empty, Expensive Former Museum Attached To A Casino-Resort:

1. The Paris Hilton Habitat.

2. Interim housing for Clark County's criminal justice system while awaiting the completion of that other large, empty, expensive building.

3. The ultimate high-roller suite, complete with four-story stripper pole.

4. Stage a lavish illusionist show with live predatory beasts. Oh, wait ...

5. Antique motorcycle storage.

Five Ways Movies On DVD Trump The Originals

1. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle: a telestrator commentary with director McG, and a "cameo-graphy" with links to the film's many guest appearances


2. Bruce Almighty: the bonus featurette, The Process of Jim.


3. Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines: a "Skynet database" of weapons and character files, a Terminator timeline, storyboards and featurettes on wardrobe, toys and the making of the video game.


4. View From The Top: a History of The Flight Attendant bonus feature.


5. Kangaroo Jack: commentary by Kangeroo Jack "himself," animal-casting sessions, marsupial magic.

Show That Proves A Series About The Porn Industry Can Have Even Less Plot, Worse Dialogue And Duller Characters Than Your Average Porn Flick

Skin

Show That Proves Tits and Ass Are Only Funny When Backed By Brains And Wit

Coupling

Show That Proves Hair Is Only Funny On VH1 '80s Nostalgia Specials

The Mullets

Show That Proves Rob Lowe Takes Career Counseling From Shelley Long

The Lyons Den

Still The Best Show About The Sickest Shit We've Ever Seen In Vegas, And That's Saying Something, Plus It's Got Hot Mama Marg

CSI