On December 6, 1933, Judge John M. Woolsey, in a landmark decision that doubled as a book review, lifted the obscenity embargo against James Joyce's Ulysses, concluding: "My considered opinion, after long reflection, is that whilst in many places the effect of Ulysses on the reader undoubtedly is somewhat emetic, nowhere does it tend to be an aphrodisiac." More than 70 years later, the same is true of Britney Spears' Onyx Hotel Tour: It delivers a spectacle too vomit-inducing to be arousing.
It's amazing just how much careful planning went into this fiasco. Even Britney's between-song patter seemed scripted. For example, Britney examined the overwhelmingly female audience and exclaimed: "Oh, my goodness, a lot of cute guys in the audience tonight. Are you guys feeling lucky? Who knows? Maybe I'll marry you!" The New York Times reported she said the same thing on the tour's opening night. This was a rare moment when her microphone was clearly turned on, and everything Spears said was broken up by her furious panting. Her singing, on the other hand, came out of the speakers sounding as if she weren't in the least bit winded. Of course, one expects Spears, despite her denials, to lip-synch or use DAT backing tapes to boost at least part of her concert. She's a weak singer to begin with, and the show has her in constant motion, with demanding choreography for each number and seven costume changes. But it was embarrassing to notice that hardly a note of her singing appeared totally live.
Appropriately then, the musicians and backing singers were relegated to a tiny corner of the stage while Spears and her dancers and props were kept in focus for a show meant more as theater. Britney did her best to create a stage version of a video for each song: Britney slutting about on a bed; Britney reflective behind a piano; Britney just hanging out with her girls. But these vignettes, like the songs and their generic choreography, were repetitive while building to nothing.
Throughout, Britney Spears came across as an empty vessel. And, as if to hide this, a bizarrely dressed narrator tried to pull things together by offering the humor and personality that Spears lacked as she nymphed about. But even fans seemed baffled by their stay at the Onyx Hotel, and long before check-out time, the exits were teeming with people who had had enough.