Ever wonder why they call it a "backdoor" cover? Not me. Not anymore. After the way I was pummeled last week, well, let's just say I'm writing this week's column standing up.
First, the Texans—four-point underdogs—fight their way out of a two-touchdown hole against the Vikings to force overtime ... only to give up a 50-yard touchdown and blow the cover. Then the Jets, leading 13-0 midway through the fourth quarter against the hapless Bills, inexplicably give up two touchdowns in three minutes and fail to cover a seven-point spread. And finally, the kick below the belt: Up 17 points with less than six minutes to play and abusing the Rams like Kirstie Alley would a buffet, the Seahawks—who came into the game having allowed just 13 points all year—give it all back and then some, losing in OT.
And just like that, 5-0 turned into 2-3. Folks, I can't win, that's become obvious. Therefore, in the spirit of the season, I'm turning this week's picks over to a celebrity handicapper. Sen. Kerry, have at it. "My fellow Americans, as you know, this country is in need of change, and it starts right here. Go with the Patriots minus 4, the Seahawks plus 4, the Jaguars plus 2, the Chiefs minus 2, the Cowboys minus 3 and the Steelers plus 3."
Gee, um, thanks, Sen. Kerry. ... On to the real picks:
Chiefs -2 at Jaguars Attention Jacksonville supporters: Please wait until the bandwagon has come to a complete stop before exiting.
Chargers-Falcons over 42 points "Hey," a friend told me the other day, "your Chargers have scored 140 points, second only to the Colts." Sure, and I woke up next to Britney Spears and Ashley Judd this morning. Well, turns out one of those things is true.
Bucs +6.5 vs. Rams I know what you're thinking: "You're just picking against the Rams because they royally screwed you last week!" Not true. I'm picking against them because they're a fraud.
Steelers +3 vs. Cowboys Arriving in the mailbox this week: my charter membership to the Ben Roethlisberger Fan Club. As for the Cowboys, nothing would bring more joy to my life than seeing Bill Parcells run them into the ground ... short of that Britney-Ashley thing, of course.
Best Bet Patriots -4 vs. Seahawks. Hey Mike Holmgren, you just got bitch-slapped at home by Mike Freakin' Martz. Whatcha gonna do for an encore? What's that? Travel to New England and face a Bill Belichick team that's won 19 consecutive games? Hmm, now where did I put that ATM card ... (No, I'm not still bitter about last week's Seattle debacle. Really.)
Last week: 2-3 (0-1 Best Bet)
Season: 12-13 (1-4 Best Bet)