To quote the greatest filmmaker of our generation, Mel Brooks: "What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?" I mean, what happened last week was ridiculous.
All five of my games were decided in the waning moments. To recap: The Patriots, favored by four, stopped the Seahawks on the 1-yard line with no time left to preserve a 10-point win; the Steelers, three-point underdogs, scored a touchdown with less than a minute remaining to turn a 20-17 loss into a 24-20 win; the Bucs, 6 1/2-point underdogs, fumbled at the Rams' 15-yard line in the final seconds and lost by seven; the Chiefs, favored by two, led 16-14 (after missing an extra point) until allowing the Jags to score a TD in the final minute; and the Falcons-Chargers game (21-20) squeaked under the total of 42 (I, of course, had the over).
Now you know why my hair is rapidly turning gray and my bank account is rapidly turning red.
Falcons-Chiefs over 44 Can't you just picture Michael Vick in hysterics while breaking down film of the Chiefs defense? ... Memo to oft-weeping Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil: now it's OK to cry.
Browns +7.5 vs. Eagles Let's see, the Eagles not only are off to a 5-0 start, but they've covered every one of those victories. So of course I'm picking against them. My lobotomy scar is healing nicely; thanks for asking!
Dolphins +6.5 vs. Rams Yeah, that's right, I'm going against the Rams again, this time with the worst team in the NFL. You're laughing, aren't you? You won't be come Sunday afternoon.
Chargers +3 at Panthers My Chargers have become the Rodney Dangerfield of the NFL. A 'dog in every game this season, San Diego has gone 4-1-1 against the spread (ATS). On the flip side, the Panthers are 1-4 overall, 2-3 ATS, have lost both of their home games by double digits and are so banged-up that players were issued handicap-parking placards with their playbooks this week.
Best Bet Broncos-Bengals under 43.5. I can't believe I'm using the words "Broncos" and "strong defense" in the same sentence. What's next, "George W. Bush" and "Mensa member"? Yet the numbers don't lie: In five games since the opener, Denver hasn't given up more than 17 points in any contest. In three road games, the Broncos have allowed a total of 23 points. Meanwhile, Cincinnati hasn't scored more than 17 since its opener. There's no way this is a high-scoring affair ... unless interception-happy QBs Jake Plummer and Carson Palmer are allowed to throw.
Last week: 2-3 (1-0 Best Bet)
Season: 14-16 (2-4 Best Bet)