You can do it! Every year, thousands of potential masterpieces are left unwritten because aspiring writers just like you have not learned the simple steps to writing the Great American Novel. You've probably been told that writing the Great American Novel is hard. Common terms used to describe your ambitions include Unrealistic Goal, Pipe Dream and Crap Shoot. But if you spend your life listening to Negative People, you, too, will become a Negative Person, and then the terrorists win, don't they? It's time to discover the Practical Power of the Possible (P3™). It's time to prove Them® wrong. It's time to write!
STEP 1 If you have a job, try to get laid off. This way you will have the time to write your novel. If you are unable to get laid off, try writing your novel while on the job. Soon you will be laid off.
STEP 2 Have a patient, understanding, and, if possible, independently wealthy spouse. If you are unable to have a patient, understanding and independently wealthy spouse, try to acquire one. This may prove difficult, because you are an out-of-work writer. If you already have a spouse, and your spouse is neither patient nor understanding nor independently wealthy, you should use all of your writerly charm to bring about the desired changes in your spouse. If your spouse is not receptive to your writerly charms, maybe you're not such a good writer after all.
STEP 3 Sit in café. Write. If people ask you what you are writing about, and you don't wish to be bothered, tell them you are writing about A) Your traumatic childhood; or B) the true-to-life invasion of Gorgonic Hordes from the planet Flatch. Either way, they'll leave you alone.
STEP 4 Short on funds? Get one of those short-term, undemanding jobs that make you gobs of money! If you are unable to get a short-term, undemanding job that makes you gobs of money, you should acquire relatives who serve more or less the same function. If you are unable to acquire such relatives, you should finish your book as quickly as possible. The book you write should be about a serial killer, a schoolteacher struggling with sexual addictions, and a forlorn photographer trying to embrace life again after the loss of his wife. Include a Web of Deceit. This book will make you a mint, and you'll be needing it. You've got debts!
STEP 5 Publish your book. If you are unable to publish your book, ask yourself if you possess one of the following: A) No pride; B) reckless initiative; or C) extra cash lying around. If your answer is any of the above, you can self-publish your book. If your answer is D) None of the above, go to Step 6.
STEP 6 Go to your desk and open the drawer. Put your manuscript in the drawer.
STEP 7 Close the drawer.
Greg Blake Miller is the author of the Very Good Book This Game We Play. It is in his drawer.