I'm not an advice columnist, I write a relationship column and so far the only thing I know about relationships is how to screw them up. So, when people ask me for my advice, I tell them to try the exact opposite of what I do. You see, I've droned on and on for over two years now about how I'm such a hopeless romantic who won't give up the search because I know that out there in the cold, cruel world of singles is my one and only true love. Just like in the fairy tales.
Ah, yes, fairy tales. How's this for advice, three words: Crock-O-shite. If you kiss a frog, he doesn't magically transform into a handsome prince who takes you to his castle to make love all day and tell you constantly that you are beautiful and feed you cheesecake night and day because he thinks you're too skinny. No, if you kiss a frog, he's still a frog. But, if you kiss a man that you think could be your handsome prince, who will whisk you away to the land of enchantment, great sex, total commitment, and loyalty, who doesn't have to be reminded to take out the trash and gives you back rubs just because you look like you could use one ... I can almost guarantee you, he will eventually turn into a frog.
How much easier would my life have turned out if I hadn't pinned all of my hopes on the idea that the hodge-podge I was reading as a child could really happen to me? I mean, the stories were nice and all, but no one ever went on to describe in detail what happened after the fairy princess ended up in the castle of her dreams. Maybe if someone had written a more true-to-life account of the kind of stuff that actually happens next, there'd be a lot more "happily ever afters" than bitterly disappointed, angry, cynical bitches. Right?
Here's a little fairy tale I like to call, "The Regular Gal".
Once upon a time, there was this regular little girl from the hood named, (ah, what the hell) Sonja. Sonja was not too this, not too that, very sort of, well, regular. But she was Pisces, and therefore given to whimsy, romance, folly and the dream of forever-after. One day, a handsome prince cut her off on the freeway and as she pulled up along side of him to flip him the bird, she couldn't help but notice how incredibly handsome he was. Luckily for the handsome prince, her self-esteem was just low enough that when he motioned for her to pull over, she did.
The courtship of the regular gal and the handsome prince was lovely, and before you know it, she was knocked up. Being the stand-up guy that he was, the handsome prince asked for her hand in marriage and she agreed to spend the rest of her life with him. So, he whisked her off to his modest three-bedroom, two-bath, single-story home in the enchanted Master Planned Community of Summerlin where she gave up on all of her own hopes and dreams to wash his clothes, do his dishes, cook his meals, raise his children and generally feel neglected on a daily basis. All the while he worked hard at a job he loved, golfed on weekends and vacationed with his fraternity brothers in Cabo every chance he got. Until ten years, fifteen pounds and two beautiful children later, when the regular gal took a good look at the life she'd chosen and said, "Ah, hell no!" Six months later, after a fairly amicable divorce, the regular gal set out on her own to fulfill the dreams of her youth only to find that when it's all said and done, life sucks. The End.
The good news is that it's a work in progress. Come to find out, that's not how the story has to end.
The end of every story brings with it the opportunity for new beginnings. So, my new fairy tale starts out a little like this: Once upon a time there lived a beautiful, middle-aged, single mother princess who had a career that she loved, a lovely home and a totally together life. It was because she exuded confidence and high self-esteem that many handsome princes tried to court her. But, she knew that she was a great catch and refused to feel pressured by her increasing age and diminishing elasticity.
One day Prince Jay of Newport arrived on the scene on his rusted out, lime green, vintage Schwinn steed, "The Booger Eater". He vowed to love her all the days of her life and asked if he could whisk her off to his modest two-bedroom apartment at the beach where she could bare his sons and live happily ever after. The princess smiled at the handsome prince and said with a wink, "I love you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I'm not about to live the re-make of "The Regular Gal". If you can be patient and allow our love to grow, together we can find a way to write our very own happily ever after." (To be continued ...)
The beautiful thing about life versus fairly tales is that we have the opportunity to change our ending whenever we are unhappy with the scene. The moral of the story is that each of us is living our own fairy tale every day and the "happily ever after" that we are all searching for lies within us. The important thing to remember when writing your own story is that you can't attach your happiness to someone else. Don't make the mistake of trying to find someone or something to whisk you away and make all of your dreams come true, only you have the power to do that. The End.
Sonja is a writer who covers the ins and outs of relationships. Or is it the ups and downs?