"A lot of people said this marriage wouldn't last."
"We were two of them."
Cruised the Borscht Beltway lately?
If nostalgic motoring through Schtickville is just what the family doctor who secretly wanted to be a comedian ordered—the doctor who, when his 95-year-old patient complains that he can't pee, tells him, "You've peed enough" (ba-da-bump!)—then steer on over to the Plaza Hotel and park it at If You Ever Leave Me ... I'm Going With You!
Starring the comic (Cat)skills of husband-wife/writer-actor/Hollywood-Broadway vets Joe Bologna and Renée Taylor, this is a funny, warmhearted little charmer that, tucked cozily into the Plaza Showroom, unfolds like an evening at the home of two hammy, likable, longtime pals, performing and showing home movies in their oversized living room.
Even if you think you don't know them, you do. Taylor killed as Fran Drescher's Jewish-to-the-max mom on The Nanny, and scored in movies including Last of the Red Hot Lovers, A New Leaf and White Palace. Bologna's that-guy-looks-familiar puss and smart-alecky persona have spiced up flicks from Blame It on Rio and Chapter Two to Big Daddy and My Favorite Year. Together, they've penned numerous plays, most famously, Lovers and Other Strangers, translated into a hit 1970 film that featured the Carpenters' Oscar-winning evergreen, "For All We Know."
That tune's opening lyrics ("Love, look at the two of us/ Strangers in many ways/ We've got a lifetime to share") mirror the pair's initial relationship that soon revealed the ingredients for a 40-year personal and professional partnership. The Italian guy from Brooklyn and the Jewish gal from the Bronx (who got hitched when intermarriage was often an invitation to family warfare) have brewed a stew of monologues, one-liners, banter, sketches and clips from their movie and married lives. It totals 75 minutes of hearty chuckles, drawing some genuine belly laughs along the way. Their impressive, yet not intimidating celebrity, crossed with an inviting intimacy, make us feel like what Taylor's side of the union might call mishpocheh (Yiddish for "family").
The amusing clips, interspersed throughout, range from the private (their 1965 wedding on the stage of The Merv Griffin Show—OK, not so private—and several of the six ceremonies to renew their vows over the years, one with Renée hilariously turning herself into a mess of mascara at the altar, with cameos by her Uncle Moishe and his Cousin Angie) to the public (in the throes of foreplay in a film, Renée instructs a frustrated Joe on what to kiss, where to nuzzle and when to "call me names." Says Joe: "You moron" ).
But the show's warmth generates from their live connection to the audience, aided by costume and prop changes as simple as a series of jackets for Joe and a few frocks, housecoats and a wedding bouquet for Renée. Noting that knowing how to fight is key to a couple's longevity, they've memorized and even catalogued their combat—a handy shorthand.
Joe: "I'll say, 'I don't wanna go to your mother's for dinner, she's a lousy cook.'"
Renée: "And I'll say, 'That's Fight No. Seven—I win.'"
Among re-enacted sketches from their collaborations—including two awkwardly entangled dancers doing a contorted tango from The Bermuda Avenue Triangle—is a memorably dyspeptic Lovers and Other Strangers scene: Renée is the mom and Joe is the dad (spouting the incredulous refrain, "So what's the story, Richie?") trying to fathom their son's estrangement from his wife.
Dad: "You're not happy? Who's happy?"
Mom: "Don't look for happiness. It'll make you miserable."
Dad: "The best thing about a long marriage is you forget what it was that would've made you happy."
Projecting themselves into old age in another bit, Joe plays a horny old hound dog trying to coax Renée's senior single ("Oy, I am so hot to trot," she says sarcastically) into the sack, but the seduction lapses into a litany of ailments.
The show's title, Renée tells us, refers to a threat she once made to her husband in the heat of domestic battle, and its cockeyed logic suits these engaging pros perfectly. If You Ever Leave Me ... I'm Going With You! is a comic chronicle of two lovers, now far from strangers, who know how to shoot from the lip while joined at the hip.