The holidays are a terrible time for TV viewers. Almost all network series are in reruns, and the airwaves are dominated by treacly, homogenous holiday specials, approximately 95 percent of which deal with Christmas, making it an even more terrible time for Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu and atheist TV viewers. If you're not prepared to have the cockles of your heart warmed, you'd be well advised to turn off your TV until New Year's.
Call me a curmudgeon, but I generally hate holiday TV. I don't have many specific memories of sitting through Christmas-themed shows as a child, although like everyone I've somehow acquired memories of Rankin-Bass perennials such as Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, as well as A Charlie Brown Christmas and How the Grinch Stole Christmas, without any recollection of ever having watched them. The strangest thing about Christmas specials, though, is that in a medium obsessed with the new, they are virtually the only programming that networks can repeat year after year and which will still garner huge ratings. Even though Rankin-Bass' creepy stop-motion looks horribly dated in 2005, CBS' umpteenth airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer last week still managed to come in first in its time slot.
Not that the continued success of old holiday programming precludes the creation of new holiday programming, most of it predictably awful. This week brings Three Wise Guys (USA, December 10, 9 p.m.), a TV movie notable mostly for being set in Las Vegas, even though nearly all of it was shot elsewhere. Wise Guys offers up a retelling of the traditional birth of Jesus story, with a showgirl named Mary, a horse-racing track standing in for a manger, and a lot of really stupid puns ("no room at the Desert Inn").
C-list actors such as Tom Arnold, Judd Nelson and Katey Sagal (all of whom appear in Wise Guys) seem to live for these specials, when even the most washed-up of sitcom stars gets the chance to learn a little something about the meaning of Christmas. Basic cable networks, desperate for holiday fodder, have ensured that these quickie bundles of manufactured cheer enjoy unhealthily long lives in reruns, and nothing can be done to stop the creation of new ones.
Ever the opportunistic company, Fox has come up with a new twist on the holiday special with this week's Dear Santa (December 9, 8 p.m.), a Christmas-themed take on the feel-good reality genre embodied by ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and NBC's Three Wishes. Dear Santa features actual letters to Santa Claus (collected by the U.S. Postal Service) being answered with the help of such family-friendly celebrities as Clay Aiken and Raven-Symone. Screeners were not available for review, but I think it's safe to say that when American Idol Aiken helps needy children realize their fondest dreams, the Claymates won't be the only ones crying.
Lest it seem like I'm a complete Scrooge, Grinch or some other icon of Christmastime TV, I do enjoy a scant few holiday programs. TBS's 24-hour Christmas Eve/Day marathon of A Christmas Story, the cynical Christmas classic about the kid who just wants a BB gun, is a must, if only because you can catch the complete film by tuning in at various times during the day. I still have a soft spot for the Simpsons Christmas Special, which launched the long-running animated series back in 1989, and if Bad Santa ever makes it past premium cable, even in censored form, I'll be happy to watch it. Otherwise, I'll take the Yule Log. On mute.