This is, we're told, National Nude Recreation Week, and we've been observing it with our usual zeal—sorry, trash guys! But we had to bundle up against the chill to type these words: Bob Beers, governor. Brrr. Already we can't feel our toes.
As for why the tax-whacking state senator would make a bid for the governor's mansion, we can only speculate. After all, as of press time he hadn't actually announced it; we are, in the manner of responsible journalists everywhere, reacting to rumors. Should that stop us from indulging in conjecture, guesstimation and wild surmise? Probably, but it won't. We sense a link between his decision and this comment to pundit Jon Ralston from a legislative colleague of Beers': "The only thing worse than being a cheap SOB is being a mean, cheap SOB." It's not too hard to imagine him taking that as a compliment. (Beers to reflection in mirror: "Yeah, mean and cheap like a fox!") Combined with the other assessments of Beers in Ralston's survey of lawmakers—"cold, calculating, egocentric"; "poster boy for lack of trustworthiness"—it must've sounded like a chorus of validation leading to one unavoidable conclusion: I must use these talents for the greater good!
We just put on a second parka. Cold, so cold ...
Last week brought Census Bureau confirmation of what we already knew: The Las Vegas Valley is among the fastest-growing places in the nation, with North Las Vegas, Henderson and Las Vegas ranked Nos. 3, 11 and 19 in growth rate. About 70 percent of Nevadans now live in Clark County. This leads to one unavoidable conclusion:
"The health of our entire state depends on the health of rural Nevada," gubernatorial candidate Richard Perkins told the Nevada Rural Summit last week, according to the Associated Press. At first we thought he meant the obvious: That Nevada needs a steady stream of rural folk to man the roadside gas stations and waffle huts between Vegas and Reno. Then we decided he's retooling his campaign—wobbly after his ineffective turn as Assembly Speaker at the Legislature—by embracing the logic of Harry Reid's observation, aired in Rolling Stone a few issues back, that John Kerry won Clark County but lost the state because the rurals voted again' him. So maybe Perkins is just trying to put the goober in gubernatorial.
On the other hand, there's no sense making fun of rural folks when it appears us city types can't manage book-learnin'. The latest test scores show local 10th-graders dropping five percentiles in reading (to the 38th percentile) and math (to the 40th). This set off the usual alarm bells, even prompting one trustee to wonder, quoting the R-J's paraphrase, "whether the state's curriculum needs to be adjusted to prepare students for the national test." You mean, as opposed to preparing them for real American life, where no one reads or uses math anymore? Meanwhile, a new Harris poll shows kids still believe in the American Dream but wonder if it's within reach. Yes, kids, it is—you just have to be cheap, mean SOBs. (A little math helps at tax-whacking time, though.)
Let's Do the Math! |
-5 At press time, Bob Beers expected to announce run for governor. Can't ... stop ... shuddering ...
+2 Flood official suggests you "pull over, have a latte, go shopping" in event of flood. Brilliant! Also applicable to many disasters: high winds, martian invasion, Bob Beers' election as governor.
+1 Jim Rogers proposes 50-50 local-Pittsburgh split on med center to placate whiny home docs. Brilliant!
+1 Andre Agassi ranks No. 2 on SI's list of top-earning athletes—but first on most-charitable list.
Final Score
-1
Quote I Couldn't Fit in Elsewhere This Week |
"It's hard to get high-school kids excited about this test."
How to Speak Vegas |
This Week's Additions to the Vegas Lexicon:
Words and Phrases You Can Use Every Day!
"It's not about the credit": A coy way of actually taking credit. Best used when you're complaining that your role in brokering a freeway-widening settlement hasn't been sufficiently recognized. See also: "to Ensign."
"Housing affordability is a big problem": See above. Best used when you're a developer trying to appear concerned that the median home price is more than $300,000. See also: "concerned all the way to the bank."
"Aggressive conservation program": Roughly translates to: "We're here for your precious resource." Thought to derive from ads the Southern Nevada Water Authority is running in Northern Nevada, touting the district's water-saving efforts but widely seen as a precursor to a water grab. Sample usage: "This here's an aggressive conservation program! Hand over your wallets and no one gets hurt!"
To "Walters": Inexplicably favorable luck in dealing with authority figures. Sample usage: "I thought the boss was gonna fire me, but I went Walters on him and he gave me a bonus instead!" Never, ever use in a context involving city or county officials giving golf-course developers sweet deals, however, because there is nothing shifty going on there.
Scott Dickensheets is a Weekly writer at large. Give him crap (or cake) at
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