"I gamble to excess. I drink to excess. Is that bad?"
"Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman told a group of fourth- graders on Monday that if he was marooned on a desert island the one thing he would want to have with him is a bottle of gin."
"I'm the George Washington of mayors."
"In a brief news conference climaxed by Mayor Oscar Goodman abruptly walking out and refusing to take any more questions about his talking to fourth-graders about drinking, he proved that he spectacularly missed the point."
In my spare time, I drink.
Sometimes I eat when I drink. On occasion, when I drink, I smoke a good cigar. Sometimes I read Jon Ralston when I drink. Often I read Jon Ralston and then drink.
Do I work when I drink? You bet. Is that bad? I don't know. I may work when I drink, but I never drink when I work. You asked me, I answered.
If I were on a desert island, I would drink and I would smoke and I would not read Jon Ralston. Would I work? You bet I would. I love my job. If I could do my job on the desert island, I would. I intend to build a desert island on the best piece of urban real estate in America. Then I will build city hall on the desert island. Then, on the desert island, I will drink and I will work. I will be the mayor. I will be a happy mayor.
If I were a fourth-grader, and I had a desert island, and on that island was city hall, and I was the mayor, yes, you're damn right, I would drink. Is it inappropriate that, though underage, and a public official, I would drink? Different people may see that in different ways. And more power to them. Now, is it inappropriate that I acknowledge that, if marooned, and underage, and a public official, I would drink? Absolutely not! How can that be inappropriate? You know me. I have always been up front with you that I am frank. I am also George.
If a fourth-grader asked President Washington about that stump in his front yard, President Washington would not have said, and I quote, "It pains me to look upon ye botanical ruins. Henceforth shall I ever endeavor to catch the real choppers." Nay! President Washington would have said, and, let the record show, he did indeed say, "I cannot tell a lie. 'Twas I who chopped down the cherry tree." You can look it up.
If George Washington were mayor of a desert island, he would chop down all the palm trees and drink the coconut milk. When the coconut milk was gone, he would be thirsty. He would build great, beseeching stone heads to call upon the gods to bring him more trees, so he could chop them down and drink more milk. The heads would attract attention from the passing sailors. The sailors would arrange tourist junkets. The island would grow rich.
George would die. I would succeed him as mayor. I would move one of the heads to the small island at Sunset Park. I would be just like George. Occasionally, I would chop down trees. When I chopped down trees, I would tell the truth. I would build things. I would sit back and look upon my work and all the happy people who came to my desert island to lose their inhibitions.
I would fill a coconut shell with gin. I would drink to excess.
Is that bad?