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Greetings from Canada! I just want to start off by saying that I love and never miss reading your column! You are very talented and inspirational.
I never thought I'd be writing you right now, but I feel confused and lost. I recently got married (in Vegas, by the way) and generally everything has been great with my husband, but we seem to still have this persistent issue. We haven't been physically intimate for a while now (about five months) and he feels I'm the one to cause this problem between us.
Before we got married, I went through a phase of being very insecure; that was really tough for my husband then. He found my behavior very unattractive to the point where he thought I was "ugly." I thought we'd gotten past those issues, but it seems what happened in the past has caused an emotional block within him. His natural defenses are also up. Last night, he told me he wasn't attracted to me at the moment (I asked the question) and I was very hurt and shocked.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying my best to be understanding and patient and become more confident. I know I have some issues, but I'm trying my best to work at them. I love him very much and just want us to be happy and live a happy and simple life. I just hope that we can get through these issues once and for all. Do you have any suggestions on how to go about this?
Dear Confused,
Thank you for the kind words about my column. I'm always a little amazed when non-locals write to me because Las Vegas Weekly is all about the true nature of our city. You're proving that what happens in Vegas doesn't really stay here!
Your husband is a complicated man. He admired you when you first met because he thought you were a confident, secure woman. The reason that was so appealing to him is that he has struggled his whole life with his value. This is not a question of his intellect, because he is so bright that he has the ability to see almost any issue from all angles; this is an issue of his self-esteem. He's more likely to admire someone who criticizes him than someone who flatters. He's also very perceptive. That perception can be used to uplift and enlighten, or (what's going on in your case) cause discomfort and insecurity.
He's so intimately aware of his shortcomings that he can pick up even a hint of those same qualities in others. If he doesn't admire someone totally, he'll systematically pick that person apart until they (like perhaps, you) leave him. He was looking to learn from you. He wasn't looking for a woman to lean on him or create an identity for herself by being associated with him.
Sex is not supposed to be a weapon, a bribe or an obligation. When an intimate relationship exists between two people, sex is simply part of the formula, nothing more and definitely nothing less. Your husband likes sex, but it's not really a priority to him. He's more excited about a new idea than a new piece of lingerie. Engage his mind and you'll engage his body, not the other way around.
If you had wanted a happy and simple life, then you would not have chosen this man. Stop seeking his approval, stop treating him like a girlfriend and begin treating him like he's your partner in all respects. Learn to recognize this freedom and give yourself permission to be yourself—that's the only way the two of you will have a chance.
Remember: You both brought baggage into this relationship, but he's more concerned about the lock on his stuff than you are.
Mona Van Joseph is a licensed professional in the psychic arts through the city of Las Vegas. Her show, Midnights with Mona, airs weeknights on KDWN 720 AM. You may e-mail questions to [email protected].