Martin Stein and
Xania Woodman
Your Mom Dresses You Funny
Sure, you can wander around Bellagio in shorts and flip-flops, but that don't mean you're getting into Light, bub. Hey, if they refuse entry to Shaquille O'Neal, you can count on getting the brush-off here and anywhere else if you're not dressed properly. For women, never underestimate the power of the wonder-twins. We're by no means saying you should dress like a hoochie mama (unless you are), but this is no time for playing it conservative—now is the time to show a bit more of Carrie and Samantha and a little less Miranda and Charlotte. You can wear your mother's pearls to your cousin's wedding next month, so leave them home. In fact, leave anything you plan to give your daughter some day; you don't want to be doing a split on Pure's dance floor and lose something irreplaceable.
Ladies, get thee to the mall! Fully stocked malls are all over the Strip, so ditch your work clothes and hit Talulah G., Zara, Fornarina, Marciano or Bebe. You won't break the bank and you'll be fit to walk the red carpet. Pick trendy dresses, skirts and sexy tops. Remember that most clubs get warm and sweat rings compliment nothing and no one, so remember to use your Secret weapon. Nothing gives college students away as much stuffing your ID, lipstick and cash in your bra. Buy a stylish purse of manageable size and leave the suitcase or totebag behind. Try not to wear all white or you can plan on wearing someone's Blue Hawaiian martini. For men, the less cleavage the better. Dress codes vary slightly from club to club so pick an outfit that is good anywhere the night takes you. First off, no sneakers (no one cares how much your vintage Jordans are worth on eBay), hats or caps, shorts, T-shirts or pseudo athletic gear. If you haven't bought dress shoes since your bar mitzvah, now's your chance to act like a grown-up. If you're too much of a rebel for that, boots are a good alternative. If you have to wear jeans, make them designer. Flat-front slacks like Dockers are even better. Put on a button-down shirt. If you need to fit in with the crowd (and have a paunch to hide), wear it pulled out. And it never hurts to throw on a simple black sports or suit jacket.
We know we're going to hear lots of complaints along the lines of, "But I saw a guy at Body english last week wearing sneakers and a T-shirt! Waaah! That's not fair!" Life's not fair, so suck it up. Odds are if that guy wasn't the DJ or a celebrity, then he's someone known well enough by the club's management that they'll look the other way. You're not. Get used to it.
Da Plan, Boss! Da Plan!
You make a list before you go grocery shopping. You find out what movies are playing at what theater before leaving the house. So why not do the same thing when going out clubbing?
There's nothing worse than waiting in a line for a few hours (yes, hours), paying upwards of $30 a person for cover charges, another $10 to $15 for a drink, only to discover you don't like the club or music. Here's some news: It's not the club's fault. It's yours.
There are plenty of sources of information about Vegas' clubs. This very publication runs a weekly nightlife section in which we list the main clubs, the acts performing and Xania's Hot Spots, highlighting the more exciting offerings each week. Hot Spots is even available online at www.lasvegasweekly.com and more of Xania's club news can be found at www.thecircuitlv.com. You can read reviews and descriptions of clubs, and find out their hours, music, dress codes and cover charges at www.vegas.com. Other websites include www.clubplanet.com and www.spyonvegas.com.
If you're not sure the DJ is going to be playing exactly the kind of house/hip-hop/mash-ups you like, take the added step of Googling their name together with "myspace." Just about every turntablist in the Western world is on MySpace these days, and most have samples of their work available for your listening pleasure. If you want to be extra-clever, take a look at their Friends lists to discover other DJs. Odds are if you like DJ A, you'll like his friend, DJ B.
Once you've picked your venue and night, don't think your work is done; there's still the line to contend with.
"But how do I get on the list, oh, mighty Weekly?" you ask. It used to be that you had to be screwing one of The Rolling Stones or be Andy Warhol's best friend. Today, thanks to the wonders of technology, there is a simpler method. Call. Just pick up the phone (or open your e-mail program) and let them know you're coming.
If there are just a few of you, then tell the club you won't need a table but you'd appreciate it if you could bypass the line. And say "please" and "thank you." When you arrive, find one of the door staff with a clipboard, wait for him or her to make eye contact (no one likes being shouted at, and a little courtesy and patience go a long way), and say your name should be on the list. Presto, you're ushered in and up to the cashier. Be sure to show your appreciation to the door staff in passing.
If there are more than a few of you (and we're talking more than three), seriously consider taking up the host's offer for bottle service. You might blanch at the idea of shelling out several hundred dollars for a bottle of liquor you can get at Lee's for around $20, but remind yourself you're not buying that bottle and heading home to drink by yourself.
When a club sells you a bottle, what they're really doing is renting you real estate. Not only do you get a bottle of booze complete with mixers and garnishes, you get to sit down. On a comfortable couch. In a roped-off area. You get your own waitress, busser and bouncer. And you get to sit. Women in high heels will immediately see the value. Men, you might be fine standing all night, but women roaming the club without seats will look more kindly on you if you can chivalrously ask them if they want to take a load off.
Still not sure about the price? Add up how much you and your buddies would spend on cocktails all night and suddenly $400 with the above perks seems like a hell of a bargain.
Finally, in a city that runs on connections, you might feel like testing your juice—or more accurately, the juice of a friend or acquaintence. Don't. Nothing tests friendships' bonds like asking "Hey dude/dudette, can you hook me up?" Take them up when they offer and use that occasion to get to know the same people they do. Go to the club a few times yourself so the staff sees you as an individual and not a hanger-on. Do that, follow all our rules here, and you'll soon know how annoying it is when your friends and acquaintences are hitting you up.
Whiskey, Neat
You've followed all of our advice so far. You're dressed right, inside a club you like and listening to music you love. Assuming you don't have a table, you probably want a drink at this point. Odds are the bar is three or four deep. Take this time to figure out what your poison is. Don't wait until you get up to the bar and catch the busy bartender's eye, making both her and the crowd behind you wait. Ask your friends beforehand what they want and have them wait on the outer edge of the crowd. Watch the staff. Nightclubs are businesses, and as such, apply the concept of division of labor. Not everyone behind the bar is a bartender. Some are barbacks (think busboys) who aren't even allowed to serve you water. Others might be VIP hosts, cocktail waitresses working tables or security.
You're a grown-up now, too, so learn to order your drinks like one. "Um, do you have one of those blended drinks ... like with fruit, um, what's that called?" That's the wrong way. "Marg, blended, no salt." That's the right way. Martinis can be straight up or rocks. Name your garnish if it's not traditional. If you want a premium liquor, call it by name. It all lets the bartender know you know what you're doing, which together with a tip of a couple bucks per drink, will get you better service on your next round.
That said, there is a time for every drink. If you don't have a table, remember what it's like trying to balance an egg on a spoon while walking. Now imaging dancing or moving through a swirling crowd with a stemmed glass full of liquor. Think highball or beer. You're also in close proximity with people who might want to get closer so remember your breath. Anything milky, sour or too sweet will give you dragon breath. Opt for clear spirits and mixers like soda or tonic. Ditch the olives and request a lemon wedge or twist. Poof! Instant breath freshener! Your friends will thank you.
Finally, once you've got your drinks (and assuming the bar and club are busy), leave. Both your work and the bartender's are done, so make way for other people to place their orders. Those friends of yours who you've kindly ordered drinks for? Make it their job for you all to have a place to stand that's out of the way.
Out of the way means stay away from the part of the bar where you see the cocktail servers coming and going. Stand there and you will be plowed into—sometimes purposefully—by every staff member with a spare shoulder. Head for the walls and corners. If you're an attention whore, then go for the dance floor. Just make sure your drink is clear (Look, Ma! No stains!) and doesn't contain sharp objects or straws that might find their way up your nose.
Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute
We live in a consumer society, and after things are consumed, there's usually some sort of waste. Luckily, the club industry has foreseen this and has all sorts of nifty solutions.
If you're standing and have finished your drink, leave the empty glass on a nearby shelf, ideally positioned so it won't get knocked off and shatter on the floor. Don't leave it on the floor. Sure, you may think you've cut out that "falling" middleman but you're wrong. One, the staff who literally sweep clubs looking for empties and trash might miss it. Two, someone is going to step on it and either break the glass or slip and break their ass.
Tipping—It's Not a City in China |
Valet on Arrival: $20 or more if you want your car in the jewel case by the doors. Host: $20 if you have a table and are seated by him or her. Drinks: $1 for each bottled drink, $2-$5 for each mixed drink depending on work involved and service. Table Cocktail Waitress: 15 to 20 percent of your total bill (just double the tax). Valet on Departure: $3-$5 and a hearty "thank you." |
Want to really piss off the club staff? Leave your glass or bottle in the bathroom. Nothing will endear you more than balancing your empty overtop hard ceramic and tile.
Being a purple city in a red state means people are generally free to smoke without government interference. But with smoking comes responsibility. Don't ash on the floor. There are ashtrays for a reason. If you can't find one, at least have the courtesy to use a garbage can. The staff have enough crap to get off the floor at the end of the night without you adding to it. Ditto with cigarette butts. Don't put them out on the floor. Don't put them out in drinks, plants, candle nooks, furniture, bar tops, tabletops, sinks, urinals or anything else that isn't an ashtray.
Dealing With DJs
Don't make requests to DJs. Yep, that's it. Unless you have an actual star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, in which case, then yeah, go for it. But they'll still say no.
Play It Cool
Las Vegas is the world's playground, and that includes celebrities. Sure, it's exciting to call your friends and say, "Guess who I'm partying with? Mariah Carey!" It's even more exciting if Carmen electra is seated at the next table. And it's beyond any definition of thrilldom when Paris Hilton takes a few twirls on the stripper pole. Just remember one thing: They're out to have the same good time you want, and just like you wouldn't want some annoying dweeb pestering you when you only want to party it up with your friends, they're not going to appreciate you bugging them for autographs and photos. Besides, most of these people travel with their own personal security, and trust us, they're not going to take kindly to you trying to get crotch shots with your Razr.
Celebs may not be the only ones whose attention you're hoping to catch. There's an art to picking up women and not enough space in this publication to get through half the material needed to keep most men from getting slapped. A quick Dating For Dummies rule: Make your presence known. On the dance floor, approach women face first; do not apply two hands to their hindquarters and watch them buck like a green mustang. Dance into view from the front and maybe even—gasp!—speak. Try "Would you like to dance?" She already is, so you're halfway there. Do not invade women circle dancing. Wait for the gazelle to stray from the herd. Offer her a place with you at the counter or a seat at your table, maybe even a drink. But don't think she's spending the rest of her evening with you if, miracle of miracles, she says yes. And we can't stress this enough—carry a lighter and mints. If you don't know why, you're beyond help.
Squatting With Style
If you've arrived early and are standing around, drink in hand, you might be faced with temptation. No, we're not talking about that hot go-go dancer busting moves on the stripper pole or the ripped barback easily hoisting a 20-pound tub of ice over his head with one hand. We're talking about all those empty tables with the reserved signs on them. The key word in that last sentence is "reserved" (and don't say you didn't see the signs). Sure, the tables are empty now, but they're reserved for a reason. Someone is coming. Maybe not right away, but they're coming. So while the seats and table might look inviting, be a good dog and don't sit.
If you feel you really must sit—and this is a move only to be tried by professionals—at least have the common sense and courtesy to ask a waitress first. Here are some pointers if you decide to take that route:
Ask first (we know we just said that, but some points bear repeating).
Tell the waitress you know the table is reserved and you will leave immediately and without complaint when asked.
Don't mess up the table.
Tip the waitress something when you leave.
Stay Sober
By all means, get a good buzz on. But nobody likes dealing with drunks. Nobody likes seeing people retching on the dance floor. Nobody likes hearing puking from the stall next door. But everyone likes seeing drunks being tossed out by security.
The end
The sun's up or your charge card is depleted. either way, it's time for you to head home. With or without a table, with or without a hook-up, you've had a great time. Would it kill you to smile and say thanks and goodnight to the poor guy still manning the door? Nah, we didn't think you'd mind.