Two finalists from the half-dozen Beauty Bars across the country—that'd include New York, Austin, Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Diego—plus a third hometown representative— joined musical performer Mickey Avalon onstage for "Jane Fonda," a laundry list of conquests highlighted on the former junkie-prostitute-turned-electroclash rapper's recent self-titled debut. A formalwear catwalk introduction of the lovely ladies (and one strapping gentlemen going by "Silky Benders") followed, as did a talent competition featuring a rousing rendition of Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker," a striptease set to the Pink Panther theme, a pregnant contestant going into mock labor, and a head-scratching poetry recitation paying tribute to the "hot ass" possessed in turn by a guy, a girl, an old man, a dog, a bird, a bike and a building. Intent on keeping things light, James broke up the downtime with such limericks as "Here's to the girl named Louise/Who had pubic hair down to her knees/The crabs got together/And knitted a sweater/So in the winter her kitty don't freeze ... heeey!" and admonishing, "Oh Kato, close your legs; you look like a TV dinner down there. ... Too bad I don't eat shrimp!"
"Every time I come to Las Vegas, I want to see the real side of it," Waters commented offstage during the talent portion. "I think this is the closest I've come so far." As far as personal favorites, he had his fingers crossed for Mickey Lane, she of the breaking water and the theatrical childbirthing.
Keeping with the spirit of the hallowed institution at which Drop Dead thumbed its pierced nose, contestants then busted out their best water-wear (and occasional pasties) for the swimsuit competition, while a group of emboldened males in the back of the room loudly and repeatedly urged the removal of several bathing-suit tops. As the text-messaged votes were tabulated, they had to suffice with a shirtless Avalon and his Dyslexic Speedreaders—Andre Legacy and Dirt Nasty (aka adult video star/MTV VJ Simon Rex)—creating an impromptu dance party with the dis track "My Dick."
The second and first runners-up announced, corresponding bouquets distributed and trophies awarded, Grace Atencio was named the overall winner and presented an oversized gag check worth $2500. "If you've been drinking, don't be stupid," James cautioned the exiting crowd. "Drive somebody else's car."
"This was so much fun," a visibly amped-up Kaelin gushed at the Beauty Bar afterparty, where Avalon celebrated his 26th birthday as the clock rolled over to midnight. "These are the greatest girls in the world!" Also in town to catch a Prince show at 3121, Kaelin introduced Gravy Train, four gender-bending hip-poppers from San Francisco, who performed al fresco in the back courtyard before Michael T assumed DJ duties.
"I'm at the Beauty Bar practically every night anyway, so I feel like I kind of deserved it," Atencio said. "It was great that a lot of people came out and supported us. It wasn't even about competing; it was about going out there and having a good time, and that's all that matters."
Though it was an evening dedicated to the overall celebration of trash culture, there's that old saying concerning how one male attendee dressed as a Harley mama's trash is another male attendee dressed as a Catholic schoolteacher's treasure. And we're all the richer for it.