A+E

Jerry and I were roommates in college. I was by far the funnier one.

At the huge end-of-the-year fraternity party, there was an open-mic competition where the winner was to get their own television show on NBC, tentatively titled Seinfeld. To my shock, Jerry and I both entered. Best friends forced to compete. I went up there and did my best routine: pull-my-finger bits, armpit fart noises, smelling my own feet and then pretending to pass out—hilarious stuff. Seinfeld performed his "did you ever notice" bits.

Of course, I won the competition. However, I had to drop out of the NBC show after an ankle sprain. Seinfeld was my understudy and eventually went on to fame and fortune. Because of that bad break, I'm now the funniest guy at the Burger King where I work. Come to my drive-through, order a Whopper, and I dare you not to laugh at the noise I make through the intercom.

The venerable Las Vegas Film Critics Society, which counts among its members Weekly critics Josh Bell and Matthew Scott Hunter, unveiled its annual awards this week, giving top honors to Martin Scorsese's The Departed, which took Best Picture, Best Director and Best Film Editing. The acting winners were favorites of many other critics' groups (Helen Mirren, Forest Whitaker, Djimon Hounsou, Jennifer Hudson), but there were some unconventional choices in other categories, including recognition for the cinematography in Children of Men, the music in The Good German and the writing in Thank You For Smoking. Academy, take note.