As I sat in Starbucks waiting for my girlfriend Tanya, I couldn't help but notice a man with his daughter. She couldn't have been more than 3 years old, and he was running ragged trying to keep up with her. As soon as he would sit down to enjoy his coffee, she'd take off, coffee cake in hand, running amok. I giggled at the scene and thought to myself, there is nothing more beautiful than a man with his children.
Just then, Tanya sat down in a heap in front of me. There was stress written all over her face. "What's your story, Morning Glory?" I said cheerfully, still watching the man chase his little girl before she put her sticky fingers all over everything in her path.
"I can't take it anymore!" she exclaimed, tears springing to her eyes.
"What the ... ?" I said, handing her a napkin.
"Marty's kids, I can't take it anymore. They are spoiled rotten little jerks. No matter how hard I try, I can't get through to them. I know it has to do with that mother of theirs. She is such a second-rate slut!" She spat the last word.
"I swear I'm ready to just throw my hands up and walk away. If I didn't love him so much I would do just that. I told the kids that the mother they love so dearly is a complete loser who got pregnant to trap their father into marrying her and that the reason Marty picked me is because they need a good, solid role model in their lives." She was crying openly at that point and as much as I dig her, I wanted to Sunday punch her right in the kisser.
"You said that to his children?" I asked slowly, praying that I'd misunderstood her.
"You bet I did!" she said. "They deserve to know what a ... lunatic she is. Sure, when it's her week on with them, she plays the good mom, always home; butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. But on her off weeks, she is out on the town, sleeping with every man she can get her hands on, such a tramp! Her kids need to know what she's really all about."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It's one thing to meet your girlfriend for coffee and vent about your situation, but it's an entirely different thing to defame someone directly to their children. In my book that is completely unacceptable, no matter what the situation.
I was torn, this was a little too close to home for me and for a minute, I wondered if she was crying to the right friend. I love Tanya, she'd always been there for me and I knew regardless of how I felt about what she was saying, I needed to be there for her in her crisis. I swallowed hard before speaking, knowing full well she wouldn't like what I had to say.
"Tanya, I asked you when you were engaged to Marty if you were ready to be a stepmother. I told you that you had to be 100 percent sure of what you were doing because you weren't just marrying him, but him, his kids, his parents and unfortunately, his ex-wife as well, do you remember?"
"Yes, I guess I made a mistake, I can't do this anymore." She slumped over, sobbing.
"Wrong. What you can't do is sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You're the grown-up here, start acting like it!" I said sternly.
"The first thing you need to do," I continued, "is quit bad- mouthing their mother to them and around them. You don't have a child of your own, so I suspect you have no idea how detrimental your behavior is, but how in the hell do you expect to gain their love and trust if you continue saying hurtful, hateful things about the person they love the most in this world? Does it make you feel better about yourself to say such ugly things to children about their mom? It shouldn't, it should make you feel damned ashamed. Show some respect! She is their mother and regardless of the fact that you disagree with the choices she makes in her personal life, if she is doing right by them than any other choice she makes is frankly none of your f--king business. Period."
"Whose side are you on?" she asked, sniffling.
"This isn't about sides; it's about right and wrong. What you are doing is wrong. These are children; they need to see you come from a place of love, that's what they will respond to. If you marry a man with children then you damned well better know what you're getting into. Put your disdain aside and lead by example. Right now, all you're doing is driving a wedge between you, your husband and his kids. Do you really think he'd risk losing them to you? If he would, he is a no-good, spineless jackass who lacks the balls to fight for his children. Is that really the kind of man you want to spend your life with? I sure as hell hope not."
Just then, the tiny girl with sticky fingers made her way toward us. "Molly!" called her dad.
"She's fine," I said, smiling, "and cute as a button. Your daughter?"
"My stepdaughter," he answered, scooping her up. "Come on you, we've got to get you cleaned up." He looked at us, smiling proudly. "Her dad will be here any minute; I'm sure he'll appreciate how wound up she is."
"I'm sure you're a good team," I said hopefully.
"You've got to be. Raising children isn't something to be taken lightly."
I looked at Tanya, who smiled a weary grin and said, "I get it."
Sonja is a writer who covers the ins and outs of relationships. Or is it the ups and downs?