Who can forget the record-setting performances at 2002's Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City? The crafty teamwork. The daredevil stunts. Oh, and there were some memorable athletic moments, too. But the real story of the 2002 Winter Olympics was the huge ratings it generated for NBC and its cable children: 187 million viewers; prime-time ratings victories every night; $740 million in ad revenues. Chalk it up to a perfect storm of tragedy and good timing: A nation eager to express its patriotism in the wake of 9/11, a U.S. host city and an American team that ended up winning 10 gold medals and 34 overall, more than it had in any previous Winter games.
Thankfully, the situation is much different this time around, but that isn't stopping NBC from thinking big. Throughout the event, it will broadcast an average of 24.5 hours of coverage a day, for a total of 416 hours in all. Some highlights:
POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE
Have you met the official mascots of the 2006 Winter Olympics yet? Neve is the one that looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy in Tammy Faye Baker drag. Gliz is the one that looks like a slow-witted marshmallow. Which may be why they don't seem to have much of a part in the opening ceremonies, which air Friday night at 8 p.m. on NBC. Instead, the main attraction here is eight ice skaters who will race around the stadium as six-foot flames shoot out of their helmets. Or, as freewheeling U.S. skiing star Bode Miller might put it, "just another Friday night."
SKATING WITH THE STARS, 2036
Whose combination of podium-caliber performances and athletic good looks will send them hurtling toward a lifetime of B-list reality shows and department-store personal appearances (if they can also pry Bruce Jenner's career out of Jonny Mosely's hands, that is)? Our top picks:
Michelle Kwan: Figure-skater years are like dog years, so that makes 25-year-old Michelle Kwan officially ancient. (No female skater over 16 has finished on top since 1992.) But if the ailing three-time Olympian can add a gold to the silver she earned in 1998 and the bronze she collected in 2002, she may set another record: youngest-ever Geritol spokesperson!
Apollo Ohno: The short-track star's two medals in 2002 weren't quite enough to resurrect the late-'90s soul patch trend. (Ohno's survives, apparently, because he spends so much time in near-cryogenic environments). But if he goes gold in 2006? Throw away your razors, gentlemen, and start rocking the cookie duster again.
Hannah Teter: A sunny, fearless teenage snowboarding phenom who projects the aura of a female Spicoli, can squat 250 pounds and appears to have raided the What's Happening!! prop-room for her headwear collection? How come she's not a major star already?
Jeremy Bloom: The occasional Abercrombie & Fitch model is a favorite in the moguls competition. When the Olympics are over, he'll try to win a spot in the NFL. (He was a standout wide receiver and kick returner at the University of Colorado.) If that doesn't work out, perhaps a career as a mogul-dodging crimefighter on that new UPN/WB network?
RIVALRIES
Head-to-head competition is somewhat rare in the Winter Olympics, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of fierce rivalries. Here are a few of our favorites:
U.S. vs Canada—Women's Hockey: Everyone knows the collapse of the Evil Empire robbed the Olympics of its best ongoing storyline: Without the subtextual battle of capitalism versus communism, what are the Winter Games, really, except fit people in Spider-man suits racing toward short-lived American Express endorsement contracts? Still, let's not forget that Canada has universal health care, which is pretty much just communism minus the warheads. Over the last 14 years, Canada is the only team that has managed to beat the U.S. team, and it's done it 26 times. C'mon, ladies! Win one for the millions of uninsured!
Johnny Weir vs. Good Taste: Forget quad flips or triple axel-triple toe loops—will U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir land a Triple Satin Zebra Catsuit with Sequined Ass Ruffles? Honestly, this kid's outfits make Siegfried and Roy look like the Brooks brothers. If Wynn Las Vegas ever decides to stage an all-ice version of La Cage, they have their star.
Norway vs. Italy—Men's Cross-Country Relay: In 1994, Italy beat Norway in this four-man 10-kilometer race by four-tenths of a second. Four years later, Norway beat Italy by two-tenths of a second. In 2002, Norway repeated its victory over Italy, this time by three-tenths of a second. As the competitors plod along at less than 4 mph, the first 99 minutes and 59-and-a-half seconds of these cross-country relays are actually kind of dull—but do not miss that last half-second!
Curling vs. Ghost Whisperer: Will 12 straight days of curling coverage finally get us to watch Ghost Whisperer for the first time? Almost certainly.
WEIRD WINTER SPORTS
Curling, which combines the high-speed thrills of ice-rink maintenance with the graceful athleticism of squatting, was a surprise hit with TV viewers in 2002, so in 2006, NBC is broadcasting 26 matches. Tune in if you want, but frankly, we'd rather watch a bunch of guys playing Texas hold-'em in a walk-in freezer. Since that's not an official Winter Olympics sport (yet), we'll opt for biathlon, which, while not as entertaining as it should be given the firepower involved, does yield the biggest Olympic mystery: How can a country that loves guns as much as we do be so bad at this combination of cross-country skiing and long-distance shooting? In 46 years of Olympic competition, we've never even medalled. This year, U.S. hopeful Jay Hakkinen is aiming to change that. But the safe bets are Canada and Norway, which have dominated the sport—which is weird, because guns aren't even legal in those countries, are they?