They say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and over expecting different results. As I stood in the tiny dressing room wearing nothing but black socks and a pink and purple polka-dot bikini, I realized that I must be completely insane.
Every year after Christmas it's the same thing: I go to the mall to return the thoughtful gifts that were either too big, too small, too itchy or too stinky and every year I pass the tiny little bathing suit shop with the sandwich board that reads, "Huge Pre-Season Swim Suit Sale."
Minutes later I was standing in the cramped space clad in this season's sexiest new suit sadly looking at my muffin-top love handfuls as they ooze over the sides of a bikini that is squishing my flesh and cutting off the circulation to my legs. I curse myself for not passing on seconds and thirds at the holiday feasts. I crinkle my nose as I take in my skin, which in the summer is golden toasty beige, but in the dead of winter looks more like a jaundice olive. I stare at my shapeless, stick-figure legs with the black hairs that are growing out in every direction because I subscribe to the notion that if no one can see them, why should I shave them? My eyes take in my should-be bikini line which is so desperately in need of a waxing that it's akin to a '70s porn star. Yikes! Get me the hell out of here!
As I struggled to wriggle my plump post-season figure out of the torture device, I heard a woman in the dressing room next to mine.
"Oh.My.God." she said, sounding exasperated. "Why in the hell ... ? Ahhhhhh, I should know better ... What was I thinking coming in here ...?" She was whining and I couldn't help but feel her pain.
I smiled as I offered words of encouragement over the wall that separated us. "It can't be that bad," I said.
"Worse!" she moaned. "Why do I do this every damned year?"
We exited our dressing rooms at the same time smiling in spite of ourselves. My new partner in self-loathing was shaking her head from side to side as she gathered her bags. Her blonde hair was long and shiny; her beauty struck me, I wanted to hate her. "My husband gave me a trip to the Bahamas for Christmas; I'm not going anywhere looking like this!" she exclaimed, patting her bottom.
"At least you have a husband, honey!" I exclaimed. "And thank goodness too; you're gorgeous, I'm happy to know you're off the market—the less competition the better."
She rolled her eyes at my compliment. "Look who's talking, you are hot! I'm glad he's not here now or he'd surely dump me and invite you."
"Right," I said, "I'm just the Belle of the Ball ..."
We laughed and went our separate ways.
The next day at the gym, Aaron, my personal trainer and the man who hasn't seen hide or hair of me in almost two months asked, "What are your goals for 2006?"
Before I could answer, Tamara, a woman that I have only known at the gym walked over. Tamara works hard to keep her body in great shape and it shows, but more than that, she has an amazing energy and an infectious smile.
We exchanged pleasantries for the New Year and I commented on how fantastic she looked. "Thanks, Sonja. It's so good to see you. You look great; of course you always look great."
"Ha!" I said, "I wish I looked half as good as you do. No worries though, in six weeks I'll have the body of a 29-year-old."
She smiled sweetly.
"And with a little luck," I added with a wink, "he'll be moaning and sweating and calling out my name."
We laughed heartily and suddenly it dawned on me how great it felt to have shared such complimentary, kindhearted banter with two remarkable women in the past couple of days. At that moment, I knew exactly what my goal for 2006 was.
After she walked away, I said to Aaron, "I want to have relationships with women this year."
A smile spread across his lips and I knew where his mind was. "No," I said, "I mean friendships. If you think about it, women can be toxic to one another, evil really. If we could just embrace each other as sisters on the path taking this journey the best way we can, the world would be a much happier place."
Aaron smiled at me and said, "I think you should write that."
I knew he was right. So, to start the year off on a positive note, I would like to share with all the amazing women I know and the women I have yet to meet, a reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning, daily meditations for women by Karen Casey:
"Other women share our struggle. When we treat our women friends as sisters and fellow pilgrims, we find great joy in our mutual help. We pray for the wisdom to let go our feelings of insecurity and rivalry with other women.
"Rivalry is not good for us. It leads us to forget our own unique qualities. We each are the best person in the world at one thing: being ourselves. When we compete, we need to retain a balanced perspective and to think well of ourselves whether we win or lose. We run the best race we can; therefore, let us not regard other women as rivals.
"They are our sisters, and they, too, are doing the best they can."
Happy New Year Sisters!
Sonja is a writer who covers the ins and outs of relationships. Or is it the ups and downs?